2009-10-05 - 7:09 a.m.
If we are strong - or wish to appear so - we often lightly say: "This is just life." People come and go. Some may stay, but for how long? In the end, we all live and die. We simply meet, greet, and then say goodbye. It's all just an avoidable cycle of events.
We have all heard the same, old mushy cliche from time to time. For example: love is the (most) wonderful thing. (Thank you, Mr.Bolton!:P) How? Is it always like that?
I may seem rather sarcastic to you when asking all of this. And I (happen to) do that more than once myself - probably all my life. I cannot help but wonder:
Why do we often call that certain moment as 'falling in love'? Once I told a good friend - a guy who's been happily married since November last year:
"We all need and deserve love, but I don't want to have to fall. Why is that necessary anyway?"
"Without that, it's impossible."
Sure, I have to agree. That is the only way that works. I am sure we also have heard those who say: "When it comes to love, we must give all we've got."
However, we tend to (wish to) forget another critical part that can possibly happen in the end. Perhaps it is so critical sometimes we choose to deny and ignore. We are afraid of its painful consequence(s).
Have we ever heard this: "Sometimes, to love means to let go?" Perhaps yes, although it is unpleasant to remember. Usually it happens when we realize our frail hopes crash to pieces against reality. Whether our loved ones pass away, or simply have a change of heart. Or maybe we've been desperately reaching out to something that's never really been there at all. What do we do then?
Do we often remind ourselves this? Not many of us would very much like to prepare ourselves for this, I am afraid. We are often more ready to love with all our might.
Even if we claim to be ready, we are still unsure whether we are strong enough for it. So many remind us to love completely, but how many who remind us that - sooner or later - we must say goodbye? How strong can we be when it's time? Has it all been worthless, or maybe even more necessary than we'd ever really like to admit - even to ourselves?
Do we still want to survive, even after the (most) painful goodbye? We know it is impossible to return to who we were before when those familiar warm feelings still existed because of them, but we still tend to grasp for emptiness in the air - the way our inner child frantically search for an old toy that once gave us warmth and comfort.
The scars remain, permanently carved in the bottom of our hearts. Maybe in time, they won't hurt so much anymore, but will they ever completely heal? Even if we try our best not to poke at them, what if they still sting? What do we do next?
For those who have these specific scars, have we treated them with specific medications yet? Do they really work or there is something in our own willpower to accept it for our mental health? Is there even really a cure?
The cliche will say: "Use your willpower." The stubborn, bitter cynics will reply: "It's easier said than done." The desperate will simply (try to) obey silently, sometimes either for themselves or just to please others who get sick of seeing them wallowing in misery. That is right, some people are impatient enough. Each has a different healing process. It is even fearfully possible that some will never get there, and the harsh, judgemental ones can only think it is silly, only because they have no idea how hard it is.
And when we swear that we'll never ever want to deal with love again, do we really mean it - or do we just want the pain to go away?
Which ones are we in this kind of situation? What kind do we want to be?
"One-sided loyalty only works for dogs," say the bitter cynics. After all, there is no such thing as unconditional love. We all have our own (impossible) expectations among others. That cannot be denied. After all, we are merely mortals - not holy saints nor fairies.
Sadly, perhaps I am one of those who are still terrible at dealing with goodbyes. I know how to say it, but can never really do. I can face it, but still silently crumble with the pain. It is unavoidable. I hate it. I hate myself when I (have to) feel it.
But I have no choice right now. I may be the one to stay quiet and just shrug it off when somebody tells me goodbye. Or I may say: "Sure you can go. Don't worry, I'll be okay. I'm not going to die because of this, you know?"
If only I really meant it. (But I don't want to kill myself, so don't freak out just yet!:P) If only my inside were not silently screaming: "Please, stay. Don't go. I need you here with me."
If only...
I guess that is why they call me the queen of wishful thinking.:P Still, I can never tell anyone that - no matter how much I love them. Please, stay. That's not me, and I have never been raised that way. Don't go. I have never really done that in my life, so I don't know how to.
I need you here with me...
Somehow, I hope I will never (have to) learn. But I am still learning how to deal with goodbyes. Solitude never scares me, but I still can't stand the pain...:(
The Author
