2009-09-27 - 6:33 a.m.
My sleeping pattern has been a complete mess lately. I must rearrange it well, especially since holiday's over tomorrow. I'm back to work on the 28th.
That's a good thing. These days, I still do whatever it takes to keep myself busy. It's the only way I can stay sane. One minute of doing absolutely nothing is more than enough to make me feel either crazy, helpless, or both.
Yes, that's right, people. I am fighting off the same, old, all-too familiar pain again. The ghost has returned to start haunting me - just like old times.
And as usual, I am doing it alone. I know I have to, anyway. That's okay.*shrugs* Like I've already said earlier, this isn't the first time. Big deal.:P
Have you ever heard the difference between quantity sleep versus quality sleep? I believe it's true, although it's not easy to find and gather those who agree with this theory. It's also difficult to have (good) quality sleep, even when it's not so impossible. I mean, I've had my moments.
I've got this theory from Mom. You see, normally we believe that we need just about eight hours of (undisturbed) sleep to be healthy. However, that's not always the case. What if you're still tired after that, or your sleep is restless?
It's different with the real (good) quality sleep. How? It's like when you don't plan to sleep at all. You just fall asleep because you're completely tired - both your brain and body can't handle it anymore. Dead beat. But when you enter the realm of unconsciousness, you just feel relaxed - completely at peace. You feel like you have a good five or six hour-sleep, but when you wake up - you realize it's only ten or fifteen minutes.
And somehow, you still feel refreshed.:)
Yes, it can be that amazing. No kidding. Like I've said earlier, I have my moments.
And I'd like to have those moments again. It's like, you realize you need your decent sleep when you're tired - like most normal people do. However, sometimes you fear sleep these days, which is ironic. You're afraid of those dreams that may haunt you and make you wake up crying and hyperventilating. You hate it, because you realize it's not the nightmares that cause that.
It's the good, beautiful dreams.:( I mean, they're supposed to make you feel relaxed and at peace in your sleep - not the other way around. It's like, they're mocking you, reminding you that they refuse to really exist when you wake up. It's like, making you feel that you're asking too much for their true existence in your real life.
And you find yourself hating that for wanting them so bad. Have you gone completely mad? You wish you could just get rid of it easily or disconnect the pain within (a.k.a. stay numb), but you know what they say. It takes time, and the process can be as painful as a bitch from hell. However, you don't have a choice to avoid that right now. You must go through it all over again, like it or not.
And just because you're already too familiar with this doesn't make it even easier.
Sometimes, you believe more caffeine can keep you from falling asleep into those dreadfully beautiful dreams all over again. No, and it doesn't cure your pain easily the way you want it to. You only get yourself more addicted to it. It's obviously not good for your health.
You could go back smoking, but the last one just gave you serious laringitis.:( Thankfully, you still have your common sense given by God. No more stupid things, you've promised yourself that. Besides, it's a slow suicide too.:P
However, here's the strange part. By the time you're way too tired to stay awake, you become insomniac.
Ha-ha.:P Maybe you've already gone mad.*rolls eyes*
Sometimes, seeing Ganesh asleep can help too. Babies always look their best when they're asleep. Completely peaceful.
Sometimes I could fall asleep too watching him sleep. Strange but true. That's happened twice before. I had no dreams in my sleep and it was just perfect.:)
Last night, I dreamed of sitting on an island. Then sun was shining, the sky was bright blue - typical like the ones you see in a child's drawing. I was sitting on the beach, staring at the sea. The only problem was, I could barely recognize my own expression. It was blurred. I couldn't tell whether I was happy or sad, or maybe something else I couldn't identify.
I only noticed I was all alone there. Nobody was around.
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