2009-09-26 - 12:12 a.m.
"If solitude's an order, then love must be the chaos."
Greetings, people. The old (love) cynic has returned to reclaim her empty space here.:P She's landed safely and is now checking in. A permission to report...to no one in particular.
Ha-ha.*big evil grin*
It's a good thing that October is coming soon."D Why? First, it has the perfect weather for my mood these days. Grey sky that offers more rain. (Well, hopefully.) Long-sleeves and darker outfits. Just perfect.
And most importantly, Halloween. Don't get me wrong. I don't celebrate it, just like I don't celebrate Bloody Valentine.:P
It's usually the time when most TV stations here usually play more horror movies. A horror-movie marathon. YIPPEE!!:D It's my perfect time to avoid all those cheesy, vomit-inducing and cliche romantic chick-flicks.*rolls eyes* I mean, seriously. Ha-ha. I'd rather see ghosts, monsters, blood, and some tough-looking chick fighting for her life with all her might. That's much, much more fun to see.
Oh, God. Now I'm sounding really mean-spirited and sarcastic here.:|
*deep sigh*
Oh, well. Whatever. It's the old me anyway. She's back now and I'm embracing her with my welcome-home hug, like a long-lost bodyguard. My own version of 'frenemy'.:P
Just for now, I need her here to keep me strong. Some people may dislike what I'm doing to myself now, and I don't blame them. I just hope they can understand me and not feel too bad about this.*shrugs*
Someday soon, I'll be okay. Sorry, just not today.
She visited me home last Thursday. I invited her over myself. My reason is very simple:
I miss her. I miss the old me with her - long before love came like a chaotic buzz to our friendship. As much as some things still hurt like hell, I stick to my principles. I must remain true to what I believe in.
Feelings can't be compelled. But at times like this, sometimes one must hang on to their pride when all else seems to fail. These days, it's the only way to stand tall and not fall apart. There's always another time to rebuild your little sand castle or a house of cards.
We talked long like good, old times. We traded books to borrow too, the way we used to. Her Dee's "Perahu Kertas" (A Paper Boat) for my Thomas H. Cook's "Red Leaves". She got to meet my family - even Baby Ganesh. Dad couldn't stop crying for minutes while holding her hand, and I had to look away for a moment. I'd wanted to tell him:
It's okay, Daddy. I'm not mad at her anymore. I also have no more feelings left for him or any other guy in the world right now. It's much safer for me that way.
She spent all day at home with me. I even bought us ice cream. Mom bought her gado-gado for lunch because we know she's a vegetarian.
She said he sent his condolence about Grandpa, and I told her I'd read his message earlier in the morning. Of course, I'd introduced him to Grandpa too last year.
I mostly let her talk about their blossoming relationship. Good. At least he still keeps his promise about treating her right. That's all that matters now.
But still, she could tell that I was in seriously emotional torture. Honestly, 2009 hasn't been my favourite year - except Java Rockingland and my thankfully rising career.
There were things I told her about him last year that I'd never ever want to let him know. (I hope she won't either.) He doesn't need to feel bad about what's already been done, but I could tell she understood me best. I even gave her a beautiful ballad by local musician Sherina called "Pelangi Di Tengah Bintang" (A Rainbow Among The Stars).
Last year, I'd played that heart-wrenching song for months after he'd left - over and over again until I drove people at home crazy. It was just a tiny piece of me I'd like to share them - nothing bad intended.
Now I need some time to restore the order. Enough with chaos.
The Author
