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2009-09-19 - 6:18 a.m.

I haven't really written here in quite a long time. I've been awfully busy and quite exhausted too.:| I fear that work's finally taken its toll on me.
That's why I'm glad for this Ied Holiday week. No, not just glad. Glad and relieved too, to be exact. I need a break.
Recently, I've been watching the re-run first season of "Criminal Minds". I always have an interest in Criminology, although I've never taken it in college. Nezzie's graduated with that, yet she ended up being an English teacher for quite some time before moving to her job now. I used to ask her a lot about the field, when we still had more time to meet and even hang out. We both like CSIs - and she sometimes watches "Criminal Minds" too.
Grandpa's a retired police officer. He gave me "Modern Criminal Investigations" to read.
Then, there's Dee. She also has the same interest.
But what I'd like to talk about now is what one of the characters in "Criminal Minds" said to another. Special B.A.U Agent Jason Gideon (Mandy Patinkin) said this to Dr.Spencer Reid (Matthew Gray-Gubler):

"Not knowing to describe how you feel is different than not feeling anything at all."

And somehow, it just dawned on me.
Honestly, I don't know about how I really feel these days. If we can't name a feeling, can we still call it a feeling at all?
Maybe it's just my strange, defense mechanism again. I don't know why. I keep trying to fill the gaping hole inside of me with what I do everyday, yet it remains empty. It's still a void, which is scary.:|
These days, I still avoid romantic flicks, because they somehow depress me.:( They represent my self-mockery, something I don't get very easily. No, it's not that I'm totally against that. I just can't deal with them right now. Call me a loser, and I'm afraid you'll be wasting your breath because I don't care.
There's more to love than meets the eye. It's not just a picture-perfect romantic nonsense. I mean, how seriously ready are you if everything collapses on you? How strong will you ever be, when it's just time to really let them go - more than once, over and over again, knowing that nobody can always stay just for you, at least for once in your life - or even the rest of your mortal life? Are you going to wish for another to stick around, even when your most glamorous party's completely over - and your so-called friends just go home, leaving you alone with the after-clutter behind?
Looks like I'm forced to do it all over again. Big deal. It's not the first time. I was fine being alone before, so I should be too now.
I'm done being overlooked - no matter how much I've done my best. This time, I won't ask for too much from anyone anymore.

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