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2009-08-24 - 6:26 a.m.

I'm writing this while I still have the chance. I've been wanting to do this since my last posted entry.
How time flies before our eyes. We keep on running, yet we still get left behind. So many things to do, yet so little time. How bloody cliche is that? It's like, our 'first things first' policy isn't enough. And we still silently wonder why...
Maybe it's just me again. I think too much. I feel too much. I care too much. That's what most of them keep saying about me. Honestly, I don't know how to stop.
I don't know how to be ignorant. They say ignorance is bliss. I've tried staying numb, but the process is never that long. It's always temporary.
Where am I right now? It's a funny question, actually, knowing that your feet still touch the ground - yet you're still wondering where you really stand. Speaking of that, I wonder just how many people can still stand this crazy, twisted side of me. (But meanwhile, I forever thank a few who has. Hopefully they always will.)
Restoring order after chaos isn't easy. We all know it takes time. However, oftentimes the impatient forces to speed up the process - which makes it more painful somehow. If it's not done carefully, it may lead to something as seriously similar as to drug-overdose. It's like, what's supposed to help you ends up making you worse than before. Scary, huh?
Right, you don't know what I'm talking about here.:P I'm rambling on again, as usual.
A lot has happened lately. I'm not sure I can recap the whole thing here. All I know is that, reality has no space for my grief. It looks like the universe is getting more and more overcrowded with toxic vibes. There are bigger problems out there that will always put your own to shame. How do you deal with that? Can you still manage to act like nothing's going wrong?
Oftentimes I wonder: Is this how adult life really is? When you have to appear strong all the time, while you're actually still weak and vulnerable on the inside?
Dad's impatient with his healing process. He cries a lot lately. Do you have any idea just how much it takes for me not to end up crying too? It breaks my heart.:(
And Grandpa's in a critical condition again at the hospital. One of his lungs has somehow malfunctioned. I've been quiet around people lately, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it. That doesn't mean I don't care. That's just my tough exterior. Don't be fooled.
It's much easier to get lost in work. You can escape from your real problems. Although sometimes it kind of wears you out too when you're not in a 100% fit condition. Like the time I was seriously battling the fever, when the principal simply asked me to cover the 7:00 pm class. Either he didn't notice my runny nose (yuck!xP), or he just thought I was Supergirl or something.
About a few days ago or so, Mom talked about getting me to see an acupuncturist on Tuesday morning, just to get me - grrh! - slimmer. She knows I'm still very, very sensitive about my weight and all things related - yet she still brought it up.
"Do I look that bad?"
She gave me the look. "You could look better, you know? Just so your clothes won't look too...suffocating."
Oh, thank you very much. Just what I need. Even my own mother thinks that way too about my appearance.*rolls eyes* Haven't she forgotten all about my skepticism? All those years of battling with my obesity/CED (Compulsive Eating Disorder), stupid diet pills and herbal tea...
I know that I'm short on cash this month because of the previous rock concert. But starting next month, I'll get back at the gym on weekends. It's already fasting month now and I'm only available to work out at five pm. I'm not risking my fasting by exhausting myself before it's time.:P
And I'll drag Gigi along again.:) She said she needed that too. Perhaps Nezzie too, since I miss her a lot.
I've also kind of asked my brother whether I could join his squash team some other time, and he said sure.:D
More (healthy) activity is the key. I know that I eat normally now. But still, I'll let her do that. I know she only meant well, although it sort of sucked hearing that from her...
Speaking of health, I've been having this strange lump on the left side of my body for a week. Just four days ago, it was sort of...leaking out white liquid.:( It's not just gross, but scary too. I've already applied some medicine on and put a band-aid on it. I hope it's just some hormonal 'imbalance', but if it doesn't disappear after a week - I'll have to see a doctor.:(
*deep sigh*
I hope it's nothing too serious. When I was in fifth grade, I once had a lump on the right side of my neck. It turned out to be just an extra fat - caused by hormonal imbalance - and had to be surgically removed. (So now there's a permanent scar.)
And there's a cancer history in my family too. From both sides.
This will be the last entry...for now. One thing I'd very much like to do to Tiger - if only I could - is:
I'd show up by his door, with a box of Belgian chocolate - just to cheer him up and make him smile.;) I am worried about him lately, because he's in some sort of trouble again.:( It sucks that I can't help, so I can only pray to God and ask Him to take care of him.

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