2009-08-18 - 6:39 a.m.
After a week, I began to notice something wrong.
The flu's completely gone, but my throat is still sore.:( I don't know why. I've already tried like, three different drugs for that. The liquid, the pills...
*sighs*
Worst of all, I've also been feeling more unpleasant liquid in my chest. It's like, whenever I breathe deeply, there's a painful wheeze within me that triggers my coughing.:( But when I don't, it doesn't.
:-?
Let's just hope that this doesn't go on too long, shall we? I want to heal completely. I need to. I want to work in peace. I need to eat and drink normally again.
And most of all, I miss singing.:P Hehe.
My brother just turned 26 on August 17 - which is also Indonesia's Independence Day. Happy birthday, kid.;)
It's true that there's still life after the broken heart.:) And why would I need to say that?
After FCE, I've got an offer to attend CAE For Teachers.:D Another career progress? Let's just hope so. Thank God. It's as if things are looking ahead for me. Just like what I've told my Grand Aunt Rin:
"Anyone can disappoint me, but I must never screw up my job. I have to make it even better after that."
Interesting, eh?:D I'm also still trying out for more scholarships abroad. I mean, why not? After all, life goes on. It's been a week since he left.
Do I hate them? No. Never. I have no time nor energy for that. There's still a lot to do. I know I have no rights to hate them for their decision anyway, so I won't.
But that doesn't mean I wasn't angry at them for having made me feel like a complete fool. At this point, I'm actually still a bit disappointed with them, but maybe I shouldn't take things too personal anymore. I just don't know them that much. Perhaps I never really have. Big deal.
But I deserve a break here. I need a time-out from all of this. My friends are right.
That's why, she shouldn't go all dramatic with me after he left. She said she'd read every bit here and felt sad that I chose to stay away from her. Why waste the energy, the emotions? It didn't matter that I was nowhere while he was still around her. Why should it matter now? He also wouldn't and won't cry for my absence, I know - for he has forgotten me long ago. In fact, she was the one who once told me that we - she and I - were more like two independent souls. We hung out when we could. It's not like we've spent everyday together or something like that. It's not like we have to anyway.
Do I miss them honestly? Of course. But now, I feel nothing towards them. Perhaps I've got effective diversions that to help me stay numb for now. After all, it's always been my worst weakness to have cared so much, to be too kind in this department - some people say.
And I'm doing this for me. For my sake: my mental health and sanity. I'm not sorry and I won't be. I can't keep pleasing people all the time by convincing them I'm okay, whatever the hell they do. I don't care. In the end, I'm only human anyway.
You see, I'm just like them. We're just people making choices. Choices always have consequences - and also sacrifices. That's all.
The Author
