Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

2009-08-02 - 8:35 a.m.

"Don't be such a weakling!" retorted my father. "If you're sick, all you have to do is fight it off!"
I glared back at him, silently furious. I was only six or seven. The headache was killing me. But I chose to wipe off my tears, just to prove him I was no weakling.
Since then, I often hid in my bedroom whenever I fell ill. It was always Mom coming to look for me. She'd always understood better. She could handle everything well.
But for him, any sign of weakness would be chaos to his perfect little world of order. It's a cruel world out there, he'd never stopped reminding me. Be the best for always, or get trampled on by the rest.

--- // ---

I should've been more careful as I hopped and skipped a few staircases down with my brother. I was twelve and he was only a year younger, but with more experience with the game. A few stitches in his head had once been a reminder.
That night, I suddenly missed a step and sprained my left ankle. It hurt I automatically gritted my teeth from crying - a practice I'd been doing for years. But I told my brother about the pain. The boy told our father instead.
"I don't see it," he said as he stared at my uncle. His eyes had cruelly gleamed with amusement. "Are you sure you're not faking it for attention?"
Suddenly, the pain just doubled up. I quickly got up and walked off - I mean, hobbled - past him. At that time, my tears weren't coming for my sprained ankle.
Mom always responded better. He ended up mumbling a defensive apology, insisting that he hadn't really seen it. Because by the time we got home, the swell was so huge I had to struggle taking off my sneaker. Mom had almost thought about cutting off its canvas material.
Two weeks after the incident, I could walk normally again. He took my sister, our two cousins, and me to Bryan Adams' concert. I'd been so anxious to see my favourite rockstar on stage I got jumpy as a car drove past in front of me - a bit too closely.
"Don't worry," he said flatly. "If that car ever hit you, I'd chase after them and smash their windows."
Surprise, surprise. Maybe he wasn't as cold and stiff as he'd seemed.

--- // ---

No human being can avoid nor escape any pain. That's just life. There's no order without chaos.
In January 2009, my best friend since college Ario passed away. I've been more than used to not sharing everything with my father - until that serious wake-up call on April.
A stroke has stolen his ability to talk and strength to walk.
Then I just found out that someone I love had chosen my best friend over me. Surprisingly, I was glad I had no time to grieve over that.
But I know, I've been keeping a time bomb like I normally do.
One afternoon, I was standing next to him. He was sitting in his wheelchair. Suddenly, he held my hand - something he'd hardly done in the past. Our eyes met, but his gaze had been frail with something I'd never seen before.
Was it grief, guilt or regret - for he'd never really communicated with me while he still had the ability? Or perhaps Mom had told him what happened to me, knowing she was always his only bridge to understand me better over the years.
Then he started to cry. I've expected that his silent tears would be coming more often. I've prepared myself, but I know it won't always be easy.
I held his hand back and kept my own tears from coming.
"It's okay," I whispered quietly. "We're going to be okay, Daddy."

The Author

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!