2009-06-30 - 11:08 a.m.
Two Saturdays ago, you had the time of your life. Thank all the good girls (Gigi, Nezzie, Lisa, and Mpeet!:D) who had brought laughter. Watching "Star Trek" was the best activity of the day. They all know just how much you fancy Sexy Zack - a.k.a.Zachary Quinto. (Two words for his sexiness: thick eyebrows!*giggles*) It was the funny, action-packed remake of a popular sci-fi.
--- // ---
"The air disappeared, the moment you tried to breathe..."
Exaggerating? Maybe.
This what usually can happen if you choose to hold the flooding dam inside your eyes. It's much better that way. Your eyes must remain dry, 'though they no longer glow. It's just what most grown-ups do. You're not a little girl anymore. After all, the world likes you better when you look happy. It doesn't really matter if you're actually otherwise.
The next thing you know, sometimes it can get worse. It can affect your health too. You woke up on two Sunday mornings ago with a horrible itch in your throat. You couldn't stop coughing. You couldn't even speak. It hurt you terribly. ("Laringitis," he told you when you finally met him and shared the news.)
You had to skip work two Mondays ago. You still couldn't talk. However, you were afraid to stay home too long and do nothing at all. Scary thoughts in your twisted mind could drive you crazy. You were afraid to go to sleep, although you actually needed more of it to get you better. You were afraid to have dreams that could make you wake up crying and hyperventilating. Not these days, God. Please.
So you doubled-up the dosage of your medications. You're always aware of the danger in addiction, but - at that time - you just couldn't stand the pain anymore. You wanted it all to go away soon. You needed that peaceful, dreamless sleep. You didn't want to think of anything at all.
And you certainly didn't want to feel a damn thing either. You just needed to stay numb - at least for a while.
Work's been a great escape for your brain. It's probably the only place where you can regain your self-control. Stay busy. That's the only way.
Mean weather these days. The sun's scorching your skin, the way your ego's eating your guts from the inside. You're slowly burning, yet you still act as if the ice never melts. Your head was screaming at you one night and you woke up feeling awfully dizzy, disoriented, and nauseaous. You found yourself rushing into the bathroom, throwing your guts up in the sink at one a.m.
That wasn't good. But you couldn't deny what really happened.
You still can't deny its stubborn, painful existence as you're writing this.
--- // ---
He texted you last Wednesday:
"Are you free on Saturday?"
Since he's still around in your country until August, you decided to call his local number. Why? It saved time.
The next thing you knew, you made a plan to meet. (For old time's sake? Why not??) At least you knew that - at some point - he still needed you around. Just like when he needs to talk about his cat, because you know she hates cats.
You know what they say. Don't. Don't push it. You'll get yourself hurt again. You'll crumble into pieces and never be the same again.
Well, who are they kidding? You're already in pain. You've already crashed and burned, and you've got something to learn.
The sooner you face your demons, the better. Even when you know it can kill you on the inside - a thousand times and more.
--- // ---
Then, that day finally came. The day you amazed yourself. Why?
You woke up early just to get to where he was A.S.A.P. You didn't want to keep him waiting too long. You've already known how waiting in vain can truly hurt. You chose to spare him that.
You could still smile at both of them. You could still hug him close, which you'd already sworn yourself that you'd never have again.:( You never forget his body-scent. It was still the same.
Was it like last year's sunny June? Almost. Surprisingly, you two could still talk like you had before. You could still laugh together too. But deep down, you knew it just wasn't the same. You wondered if it had really been from the heart, or you'd just performed well - like a professional, outstanding actor for the same old role - all over again.
But hey, his happy smile for his recent situation meant more to you than your own real feelings, right? So, for his sake, you had to put that mask on your face. Good choice. Always wear the one with the prettiest, most dazzling smile when you need it the most.:) That way, you wouldn't have to spoil anybody's fun. That's strictly a Ms.Independent's graceful, noble policy. You know you've been good at it. Remember, practice makes perfect.
"There's this book about local culinary in English I saw once at Peri Plus. The instructions are quite clear and practical, and most of the menus are non-fried ones." Just like his favourite meals, you noted silently.
His smoky-blue eyes widened in surprise and amazement as he smiled at you.
"You remember."
"I don't forget." You wondered if he'd somehow noticed a slight sarcasm in your tone, but also wished he hadn't. Especially when he casually mentioned last year, as if it had been just some fun trip that had absolutely had nothing to do with you. Sad but true.
But at least, you could still be friends, right? And he was wearing that batik shirt your family gave him on his previous visit, which could possibly mean he still remembered their kindness last year.:) At least you could still be grateful for that, couldn't you?
Wouldn't you??
When she finally caught up with you two from work, you knew it was your cue. Time to go and leave them alone. You could tell from the smiles on their faces and the way they held hands. The air around you gradually disappeared, the moment you tried to breathe.
Time to say goodbye and go your own way.
Why did you choose a one-armed hug that day - the way Sirius Black hugged Harry Potter in "The Order of Phoenix"? It's easier (and quicker) to let go that way. When you hold someone with both arms, you tend to want to stop time - just so that you can keep them longer right there and then. Especially when you do still care.
To her, you whispered in her ear: "Baik-baik ya, sama dia?" (Be good to him, okay?)
She laughed, as if you had said something so bloody ridiculous. Then she said: "Kayak gue mau berantem sama dia saja!" (As if I'm going to have a spat with him any day!)
You only gave her a small smile, then you turned to him. You hugged him, trying your best to avoid automatically inhaling his shoulder - like you used to do last year without him knowing. You whispered in his ear:
"Be good to her, okay?"
"I will," he replied softly. "Nice to see you again. I'll try to meet you again when we return from Magelang."
"Sure." Did he really mean it? You didn't bother to stick around longer to find out. You just had to go soon because of the cracks on your smooth, tough exterior. You were about to break anytime soon. You had to get out before your version of Hyde would come out and start butchering everybody.
Never look back again!
As soon as you were alone, the air came back again. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Good. Good girl.
But...oh, no. Your cheeks were wet now, although it wasn't even raining. Sssh, it's okay. It's going to be okay. You've already promised yourself that you'd never ever do that again. So please, don't. You were great. You've done your best performance there, flawlessly. You should be proud of yourself. Not many could hit it well.
Did they know it was your last emotional hug for them? Did they know that it was how you said goodbye to your emotional attachment to them? Because after that day, you're not sure you can stay the same. You still consider them as friends, alright. But there are changes from now on. Choices that lead to consequences and sacrifices. That's just how reality works. Welcome to life.
Soon, you'll disappear from the pages of their books. (Or have you already??) You're a replaceable minor character. They won't be missing you too much when you're gone. Without you, they can still carry on.
The question is: what about you?
--- // ---
Bless last Sunday, for the band rehearsal with your dear brother and friends went well.:)
Bless yesterday, for you had so many - more important things - to do. Time to make yourself more useful for the good again.
And bless today, for you're still breathing - eventhough there's something missing in your life.
The Author
