2009-01-17 - 8:25 p.m.
Dear Pumpkin,
It's been over a week since your funeral on January 8. I know some people might think I'm crazy for writing to a...dead man like this. Others may understand - perhaps just a bit - but also worry that this may not be healthy. Well, don't worry. I've already accepted the fact that you're gone. Besides, my best friend Hani wrote to her deceased father too, but she keeps it. I guess - in some ways - everybody needs an emotional outlet.
Oh, yeah. I didn't get a chance to introduce you to her. Or to Nick, the cute redhead who visited me last year on June here for thirteen days. I understood you'd been awfully busy. Work was very demanding. But hey, that was okay - especially since I knew how much you'd enjoyed it. It was your dream come true. I was so proud of you. (And still am, of course.) You'd started from scratch to the top.
Everybody still misses you here. (And of course, you will be missed.) You were always the most cheerful, despite having your own problems. But CB was right. Life goes on. We must carry on. And that night after your funeral, Mom simply told me to let you rest in peace...for good, that is. Since you were always a sweet friend to this sourpuss tomboy, then okay. I'd have crossed those who hated you for who you were, remember? I cared for you that much.
If you could see me now, you'd be surprised.:) I mean, I'm still a tomboy - but they say not so much of a sourpuss anymore. A lot has happened. I've survived my overeating disorder long ago after college. I love my teaching job. Occasionally, I dress well - and sometimes put a nice hairdo and a little make up on. Yes, you'd be proud of me. I'm taking care of myself more now. If I excel at it, then it won't be a problem taking care of someone else too (like in a relationship, for example: marriage.:P) No more boyish, oversized T-shirts, gloomy-looking checkered shirts, and scruffy jeans. I work-out regularly too - especially when I get stressed out. It works better than finding false comfort in having too much chocolate bars. I know I can never be thin (and who are we kidding, right?*big evil grin and giggle*) But I'd like to stay slim and healthy for as long as possible. I'm sure you'd agree with that. That's what matters more. Once you feel healthier and care about your looks in a more positive way, then screw what those jerks out there say. True beauty always comes from healthy, happy people.
Well, your death has brought a dawning realization to me. I mean, I've realized this long ago that this life we live is very short. Your death hit me in the head (and heart) as a crystal clear reminder. I'm a year older than you, but I've got to live longer. Isn't it ironic? But I guess that's just life. God works in mysterious ways. One simple order to the hands of fate, and then that's it: time's up. You have to go home.
I guess that's why I've once again told Tiger how I still really feel for him. Yes, Pumpkin. This one about me is still the same. I'm sure you could understand why - after all these four years - my love for Tiger hasn't changed at all. It just keeps growing stronger, although I've tried opening up to another guy too. I'm sorry to tell you that this one's somehow broken up the record against my "three-year" policy.:P But I'm not sorry for having this kind of love at all. I can't just kill the most beautiful thing that's ever existed in my heart. I just won't.
*deep sigh*
No surprise, isn't it? Why? I don't know.*shrugs* I just know that I've never felt something this incredibly strong before - so strong that it strengthens and weakens me at the same time. So strong it breaks my heart once again. The walls of my own denial are crumbling to pieces now. I am completely shield-less.
The distance factor still sucks like a total bitch getting in my way. Plus, he's slowly on the verge of giving up about having another relationship. I can feel him emotionally slipping away from me. I am terrified, Pumpkin. I know I can lose him anytime soon too.
That's why - before it really happens (but I beg God it won't!) - I've made sure he'll never forget how much I truly love him. Life's a bitch but you've got to face reality - oftentimes in the shape of those invisible, yet disturbing demons at night that crawl in your peaceful sleep, stealing solace out of you and just bringing silent tears to your eyes.
But this time, I'm not about to just give up without a decent fight. Call me crazy, but I believe girls like me can be the answer to shy guys.*big evil grin* I'll only back off completely if it turns out that he's falling for someone else and they want me out of their lives. It hurts, but I can't think of anything else right now. I can only feel. I'm tired of thinking too much and not doing anything in the end.
Do you think I can (and should) do this, Pumpkin? Just one last fight, one way or another. Why? I'm not really sure I'll ever find another guy who makes me feel this way again. It's so dead pathetic but true.
Well, sleep well, my dearest friend. I shall bug you no more with this stupid, pointless letter.
lots of love,
The (Once Sourpuss) Tomboy
