2009-01-10 - 8:02 p.m.
I can recount so many stories, good memories about you here. An entry won't probably be enough.
You were always the tallest in our group. My cousin Andin and CB met you in high school, and I started hanging out with you guys more during second semester in college. Somehow, this sourpuss tomboy had gradually become a part of you. With Dave, we became The Crazy Five. But we still hung out with other good friends. That was what you'd always liked: the exciting crowd. The more the merrier. Friends - including the (most) trusted ones. You always needed more colours and beautiful shades to enrich your life. The sunny sky was more perfect for you, although you could never literally stand the heat outside.:)
We'd shared laughter and tears, started and broken (insignificant) fights, and managed a solid bond. We'd even shared the same journal, full of pictures, funny messages, and crude jokes. It was our fun little world in a book.
Looking back, I can't help but missing our carefree, college days.:| They feel like worlds away, don't they? Reality after college has pushed each of us away - all to different directions, weightened with adult responsibilities and racing wildly against time. Work, marriage, higher educations, solo adventures, personal goals...
A week before January 8, I had a very weird dream about you. You called me on the phone, sounding most cheerful than the last time I'd heard you. God, we hadn't talked in ages!
"I'm having a farewell party next week. You should come."
"A fare-Pumpkin, where are you going?"
Before you could tell me more, I woke up. I hadn't thought of that dream again until January 8.
I remember waking up to Andin's phone call, but the battery was very low it went dead the moment I picked up. After having it re-charged, I texted her number and she gave me a shocking reply.
You passed away. It took a moment for me to let the message finally sink into my brain. I told Mom and my sister. (Remember Indira? She still works in MRA. You've always talked to her whenever you needed to borrow some clothes for Cosmopolitan's photo sessions.)
I silently thanked Mom for calling Andin to get more information about your...your funeral. But then, she said I should call your home. I suddenly remembered our long conversations on the phone.
I guess we'll never be able to do that again.
I talked to your brother Tommy on the phone. He obviously sounded tearful, so I didn't have the heart to make him talk longer. My own throat also felt clogged. I just gathered the most necessary information and thanked Tommy, urging him to stay strong. He thanked me and I hung up.
A major sore throat for two months? You were in Surabaya when that happened?? How come I didn't know? Where the hell have I been?? Tommy said you'd been overly exhausted from work, yet you still kept pushing yourself too hard to meet deadlines after deadlines. No, I'm not blaming anybody for this. I knew you were always the most ambitious one when it came to reaching out for the stars. You mostly focused on what you wanted to achieve, and that was what I'd always admired you for. But hey, didn't you remember that I once told you to take it easy - even for just once in a while? I'm sure I wasn't the only one telling you that.:(
Tommy also said you passed away at 10 pm, on January 7. They were driving you here in an ambulance. A long journey, my dear sweet friend. You'd have preferred an aeroplane.:)
Mom was shocked too, you know? She remembered driving us away from college after class while listening to your tad incoherent chatter. Your babbling always made her laugh. But she cared about you too. She'd always asked about your day, your classes, and even your dreams. She'd invited all of you to my surprise, 24th birthday bash. She said you were very unique, sweet, and genuine. I couldn't agree more. You'd always opened up to people, letting them crash in your room and pour their hearts out on you whenever they had problems. I wonder why you seldom did the same to us. You barely talked about your own problems, except some people who just didn't (want to) understand and accept you as you were.
I met your little sister Dinda by the time Mom and I showed up at your family's house in Cinere. She's a high-school senior now! I couldn't believe that it's been a very long time. She used to be a chatty little girl, but she was tad quiet that day. I could understand why.
And Tommy? He's a fine young man now. He's always been the quietest among the three of you, so I once tried my best again to comfort him, telling him that he should stay strong and patient for the rest of your family. He just nodded slowly. That poor kid. He still looked terribly shaken. You two had shared the second floor at home for the rest of your life, your separate bedroom doors facing one another. I remember your cranked up R&B CDs competing loudly against his noisy rock tracks.
I know I rarely talk to your dad. I saw him slowly crumbling. It was your mother who had been the strongest. She was calm most of the time. She'd asked me to forgive you, but I just couldn't remember any of your faults. Did we ever fight? Even if we had, there were hardly a memory left in my brain - but only the good ones. You were always the forgiving kind, because you never wanted any enemies in your life. You hardly said bad things about other people, except maybe about their horrible fashion taste.(*smiles softly*) If somebody hated you for who you were and would never (want to) understand, you just wouldn't bother at all. (Although I'd have crossed them for you.)
Too many memories to recound, our friends would say. Dave had wanted to see your room, so - with CB and I - we trudged upstairs.
"Oh, my God." We breathed and walked in quietly as the door opened.
Your room was still the same. Only your walls were painted in a lighter shade of green. They used to be blue, just like the walls in my room. I couldn't find your old Destiny's Child's posters. But other than that, your things were still in the same spots. Your TV and stereo, your piles of cassettes, CDs, and VCDs on your desk. Your stuffed animals on the bed. Your comic books, fashion magazines, and chicklit novels. You loved chicklit. I spotted Sophie Kinsella's "Can You Keep A Secret?" - the one you'd promised to lend me.
"You fashion maniac, "I sighed, my tears starting before I could stop them. "I'm going to miss you."
"We shouldn't be here," I heard CB start to cry too, while Dave was frantically searching for our old journal. He couldn't find it. "Too many memories..."
"Hey, look," said Dave suddenly as he pointed at a photo frame. CB and I looked at it too.
Oh, Pumpkin...:'-(
It was our old picture together from the photobox in PIM - years ago. Our carefree, college days. It was the only picture we could find in your room.
I guess we'd meant a lot to you the way you meant so much more to us.:)
I stuck around until after your funeral at night. I saw more people come as the dawn was close to an end. Dika and Nida and the others had to go home early. I saw your co-workers from Cosmopolitan Indonesia, including your boss - the famous author Fira Basuki. She looked very sad too.
We got to see you one last time when they finally arrived...with you in a coffin!:( I remember you once joked about being like Aaliyah as Queen Akasha in "Queen of The Damned", lying in an open coffin and waking up with 'style'. I'd just laughed it off, saying you were crazy. I couldn't laugh about it again that night. I could only see half of your face and didn't dare look closer, although the rest of you was covered with white cloth. Everybody was crying. Dave was holding the sobbing CB and Yayee. Your siblings were almost hysterical, refusing to even have one last look at their dear brother. Your mom had to console each of them with a hug, saying, "It's okay if you don't want to."
Since Dave, CB, and CB's husband Bear had to go early, I followed everyone else to your funeral in Jagakarsa. It was a rainy night, but at least the procession went well. I didn't care that I was soaked and wet all over and my shoes were caked with mud.
I just had to say goodbye to you.
"At least he's no longer in pain," your mother told me with absolute finality. "He can sleep in peace now."
Good night, Pumpkin. I love you, buddy.
And I'm going to miss you so much...Ario
In The Loving Memory of
Ario Wibowo Subagyo
(October 2, 1982 - January 8, 2009)
