Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

2009-01-07 - 7:35 p.m.

The last dream I had was very weird. I was back to being seven years old - with my short, dark messy curly hair and much chubbier pink cheeks. Softer, light-coloured skin and a childlike, carefree smile and giggles. Happier moments and all that stuff. I was with my family on some out-of-town trip. We visited a ceramics' store. (I remember the very last time we did that was a long, long time ago - during a trip to Kasongan, a home industrial corner of Yogyakarta. And I was no longer seven at that time.)
Then something terrible happened. Clumsy little me accidentally knocked over a vase off the counter. It fell and crashed to the floor. The loud noise was pretty shocking I jumped back, nervousness rising up inside me. At that time, there were only Dad and me, and a clerk on duty. The three of us stared down at the splinters on the floor in eerie silence and equal horror.
After that, Dad yelled at me. He was always like that when we were kids. Whenever we did something terribly wrong, he just loved humiliating us in public like that. I remember silently resenting him as a child for that.
But there was something strange in what he was saying. He said I should be responsible for my own actions.
And then, to my surprise, he contradicted his own words by taking his wallet out of his pocket. Just as he was about to take out some money to pay for the broken vase, I suddenly took out my own wallet.
"No, Daddy," my smallish voice chimed in. "I got it."
As I took out a fifty-thousand bill, I suddenly realized something. I'm seven. How the hell do I own a fifty in my wallet? Let alone, how do I own a wallet? I'm still seven. As far as I remember, I never own any.
I never did, actually. In past tense, I reminded myself. I'm 27 now. I have a stable job. I make my own money. I don't need Daddy to clean up my own mess ---
Then I felt myself change. I was the present, grown-up me again...
And I finally woke up. Just like that.*shrugs*
That dream feels like pure contradiction to me. I believe most parents in this country where I live are naturally like that. As their children grow up, the parents still (tend to) play a double-standard role. They demand maturity and self-responsibility from their adult children, yet they still treat them the same - as little kids.
In other words, they don't want to let go completely. It's like having one foot out the door with the other still in. It's like letting the young birds fly - but not too far and not too late. They must return to the same nest at dawn's end, eventhough they may have built their own ones somewhere else.
And that seven-year-old version of me in that dream was obviously the symbol of my inner anxiety lately. God, I've been thinking about it way harder than I thought, haven't I?
But no, I can't find my own place in this same old, boring city. I just can't, okay? I need to get away. And please, don't tell me I don't have enough guts or strong will or whatever the hell they all might tell me. Besides, I'm sick of hearing that! It's just not that simple and easy, okay? They just don't get it.:( I need to step out of the comfort zone, because soon this starts feeling like a permanent sleeping pill on me.
I'm scared.
If I get another scholarship abroad, then Mom will have no more excuses left to keep me here. I'm sorry if this sounds awfully mean to you, but this isn't about her or the rest of my family. This is more about me, trying to find somewhere I really belong - where I can be just me without too many expectations and demands. Is it really too much to ask?
But most people in this country still won't understand. Maybe it is too much to ask.:( Some of them might even think of me as a smug, stuck-up bitch who doesn't need anybody. They find 'Ms.Independent' a serious threat to their bloated ego that's been slowly poisoning society for centuries. Honestly, I just don't get it. What's wrong with wanting to become a fully-independent woman? Is it so bloody hideous? What are they really afraid of?
Guess what? I'm still punching the walls of misunderstanding in front of me...layer after layer. But hey, that's not a real surprise anymore, is that? *sneers* I've been doing that for a long time but have just come to realize that today. Funny, hehe.

The Author

 

 

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!