2008-12-04 - 10:05 p.m.
I've been trying to numb myself again lately. Okay, I know that this sounds rather pathetic. But oftentimes, feeling too much about a lot of things can get you seriously distracted and...somehow listless.
No success.:| But the truth is, I don't even know if I really want to be that numb...again. In fact, I'm not sure what I really want these days.*shrugs*
They say that more exercises can help you to produce more endorphin to make you feel happy. Well, I've just started again, after quite some time. I know that it takes a while before I can start feeling the effect. Don't get me wrong. I'm no longer obsessed with my weight. I know I can never be thin or even skinny. It's not in my gene.:P I have big bones. But I know it'll be nice for me to lose a few pounds and be much slimmer again. Healthier too.:)
Yesterday morning, I did something embarrassing in FCE class. We were given copies of a very touching true story from the "Chicken Soup" collections called "She Had His Heart" - a story about a girl marrying her dying boyfriend. (He had terminal cancer.) By the time I had to read the beautiful, romantic poem the guy wrote to her - I couldn't do it. Guess what? I cried in class.:'-( Very grown-up, don't you think?:P
*blushes*
I guess I have no choice but to finally accept the fact about the sometimes imbalance of...female hormones.:| But luckily, I'd managed to compose really quickly. (I'm 27, for God's sake - not seven!) The teacher thought I was sensitive. (Oh, yeah. Like everyone in class didn't notice that about me already?:P)
Or maybe, my friend Ki has been right. A couple of years ago, he told me this:
"The older we get, the more sensitive we become."
...........................
*deep sigh*
I hate this.:( I hate feeling so utterly vulnerable, while the world is getting crazier and out of hand lately. Tiger has told me not to lose faith, and - believe me - I never (want to) stop trying. I'm not too ashamed or hypocritical to admit that - sometimes - I'm slipping away. I'm only human. I make mistakes too, but still want to repent.
God, help me, please.:( I know I've never really been good to You. But please, don't let them touch me. Don't let them get to me or clip my 'wings'. For me, being caged is a lot scarier than death itself. (Especially with their stupid rules in this country.*scoffs*)
I hope Mr.President SBY is not as dumb as The House of The Representatives to just easily sign the legal document for The Stupid Bill (UU APP). Otherwise, this country is as good as...dead.:x
About two weeks ago on Saturday, I was having lunch in Burger King alone. They were a few boys entering, one a male Caucasian. My heart skipped a beat! He wasn't tall nor athletically built. But he was quite pale. He had the same smoky-blue eyes and soft long hair. He was even wearing the same, dark blue T-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts.
But he was a brunet, not a redhead.
When the other guys left to order, he was sitting alone at a table - practically next to mine! I'd almost given in to my sudden urge to just come up to him and boldly ask: "You know? You kind of remind me of someone I know. But he hates junk-food."
Hani just texted me this morning, saying that he was online and said hi to me.
I miss him.:(
But I must move on, right? There's no point in hanging on to a dream - especially if the dream and you just don't belong together in the same page anymore...
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