2005-04-12 - 2:58 a.m.
Right, where do I start?
I was very relieved and happy last Monday.:) I went to see a local movie with my friend Nez. It was "Laskar Pelangi" (The Rainbow Soldiers) - based on a national best-selling nonfiction novel of the same title by Andrea Hirata, an author from the island of Belitong. It's a true story about ten poor children from Belitong (one of them was little Andrea) struggling for a more decent life while pursuing higher education - something which is supposed to be rightfully theirs but difficult to earn, due to economical issues and class discrimination. It's an amazing story about life, honour, friendship, and love. It's very inspiring. It also reminds us - the lazy rich brats - of the things we often still take for granted, mostly just because we're lucky with more money.:P I don't mean to sound really sarcastic about this, but oftentimes...that's just the plain truth.*shrugs*
And that movie has just given me another reason to pursue that teaching scholarship to The States.:D You know what they say: Grab it while you still get the chance. Good opportunities hardly come that often again.:P
After all, I'm lucky enough to even just give it a shot or two.;)
My best friend Hani actually has been wanting to see that movie too (she's a major fan of Andrea Hirata's works, anyway.) But she said she'd wait until after Eid holiday. She said I could watch it first. Okay.*shrugs*
Anyway, it was a fun, relaxing day.:) I forgot all my troubles for a while. Since I wasn't fasting, I ate lunch with her at Wendy's in Bintaro Plaza first. (Nez's a Catholic.) Then, after the movie, we had dinner outside, at one of the food vendors nearby. I love seafood, but maybe I haven't eaten any in a long time - my allergy was acting out!:( After a plate of boiled clams and spicy Padangese sauced- squids, my face began to itch like crazy. (Or maybe the food was already a little...off.*cringes* Eww.) I had to go home quick for my meds after that.
On Tuesday, I didn't feel like going anywhere. I just called The AMINEF's Jakarta headquarter for information about their TOEFL test schedule. And yes, it's for the scholarship application too. One of the girls I met during my training month - Ocha - once worried about my responsibility with the office I still work in, knowing that I've just started my two-year contract. Well, I thought I could extend it a little longer before going back to finish it. (FYI, the teaching scholarship program only lasts for nine months at the US, or unless I can get a three-million to bail me out of work contract too - but what for??) Besides, if my principal had worried about me leaving without finishing the contract, then he wouldn't have written a generously positive letter of recommendation for Lisa and me in the first place. (Btw, Lisa's in it too!) I know about work ethics, believe me. Some of them say I'm pretty strict about following the rules.
Well, if I get it, then the contract will have to be postponed and extended. I guess it's pretty simple.*shrugs*
How was my Eid holiday? Cool, I guess. Hecticly busy, as usual. That's just how it usually works here in every other year, I guess. Visiting relatives. Helping Mom with her cooking. Eating. What else?
On Wednesday, my brother and I helped Mom with her cooking in the afternoon. It was a busy day, so I had no time to do something else. But somehow, I felt relaxed too. Maybe it was the holiday mood.
At night, we visited Uncle Marik and Aunt Susi's house in Pejaten, South Jakarta. Uncle Marik's a handsome, sweet, and funny Dutch man.:) He also likes collecting artsy stuff, so I found his large living room a cool resemblance to a small gallery. The swimming pool also looks tempting.
I looked at my Dutch uncle and couldn't help but thinking about my grand aunt Rin - all alone in Surabaya right now. I often remind myself of her sad story when she was much younger:
Grand Aunt Rin once fell in love with a German guy. But unfortunately, her family had been a very strict and uptight Javanese, Muslim kind. They'd disapproved of her relationship with him very strongly, and her stubborn, rebellious attitude had fought back: Nobody else but him.
And she'd really meant it.:| No other men since then. No marriage. It's just her - The Eternal Ms.Independent.
There was another thing she said to me during my sister's wedding reception last July. We were in the middle of the crowd, but they hardly listened to us. I told her about Nick. He'd just left and I found it really unbearable, though I knew I had to pretend that I was okay.
"Don't end up like me," she said with obvious sadness in her eyes. "Please, just don't end up like me or you'll be very sorry."
At that time, I felt seriously choked up on the inside - but still forced myself not to cry. (Or else my heavy make-up would've streaked and run!) I just hugged her close, knowing how we actually resemble each other quite much. Our hair, our faces, smiles, and even our stubborness. That's what they all say.
In other words, Grand Aunt Rin is like the very much older version of me. How scary. No joke, despite the fact that she's always been a nice old lady to me. Very smart too.She's also crazy about travelling and literature.
When I told Mom about that, she surprised me with this reply: "She never shared that with anyone. Looks like you were the first and only one."
Really?!:O
When Aunt Susi and Uncle Marik got married, they seemed to be okay with that. Nobody bothers so much about whether he's converted or not. Nobody. All they know and care about is that the two look great and happy together. That's all.
Which makes me often silently wonder:
(Something that maybe I shouldn't do at all...:|)
What would happen...what if...
...the tomboy and the redhead prince...
If only I had my guts, but would it still be right?
(Oh, Nick-ku.:( I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you with this kind of issue...)
*deep sigh*
I'm fed up with this city. I need to escape, temporarily that is. (I'm not the one to run away forever!) Everywhere I go reminds me of him and that beautiful sunny June. It hurts. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to lie about this. I miss him terribly. I still love him. I really do. I've shared him my world here, and now it feels empty without his existence. Even my own room. Yeah, I'm afraid to fall asleep - even in my own room - these days. In fact, I don't want to sleep - eventhough I'm terribly tired. I need to stay awake to keep myself sane (although it's no longer 100%!)
It's very simple. I don't want to have to see him in my dreams and then wake up crying again, just because he's not around anymore. That just sucks!:'-(
I also got a missed call on my cellphone that night. A random number that I couldn't call back nor leave a text. Strange area code number. Was it him? Could it be him? (Did I want it to be him, remembering that he'd still cared enough to text me a "Happy Eid" last year - even before we met face-to-face for real?)
I must stop doing this to myself.:| Enough. I want my old self back, no matter how cynical she was. I don't want to be this emotionally clingy.:( Where's the Ms.Independent in me? Where's she gone? I badly need her to keep me strong.
Strangely, they said I seemed a lot happier and more relaxed when he was around. I also sounded less bitter about life.
I'll never be the same again.
But still, I can never blame him for any of this. Why? None of us ever promise each other anything. And I can never hate him for real. After all, he's been good to me. He's accepted me for who I am, the way Tiger always does.;) He's also encouraged me to stay brave, eventhough the world is still full of patriarchism and all its shit.
And I know it's bloody difficult to really get over a long-distant girlfriend who once promised him forever, and then simply ditched him for another guy.:(
So please, tell me, God. If I've made the right decision of letting him go like this (especially since I have to), then why am I still feeling so hollow?
The Author
