2008-09-07 - 8:18 p.m.
Well, it turned out that my Saturday was not according to my original plan.:P I mean, what wouldn't you do for a friend?
It started with last Friday. Some of the other teachers at work and I went out to dinner after work. (And the vendor-guy gave me too much hot spices on my rice.:|) After that, I went home alone. Wahyu (whom people often joke as my male twin - thanks to our thick, curly black hair :P) escorted me as we crossed the street before we went our separate ways.
I found my brother at the same netbar that night. Then I updated an entry while chatting with Tiger. (It's just what we've been doing pretty much often these days.:D It feels so good, just like old times!) My friend Gia lent me her flash disc with a file of my sudden performance video in it.:D (To shorten the story: my colleagues and I went to this food vendor cafe thing close from work one Friday night before fasting month started, and my friend Lisa challenged me to sing with the home band there. I spontaneously called her bluff, though - with the cover of my favourite Stevie Wonder's classic hit "Overjoyed".:D I didn't care about anything. I was just having a great time. It was fun and I'm glad Gia recorded that with her cellphone!)
And I sent that to Tiger's e-mail address that night.:) I'm happy that he liked it too.;)
What about Nick?:|*deep sigh* Honestly, I don't know. I'm not really sure. It feels like the distance between us is growing wider. Once in a while, we still talk online or e-mail each other, but it's just not the same anymore.:( I know that he's busy with his classes as I am with work, but I still feel something else.
Maybe he's not ready.:(*shrugs* Maybe he also knows that - deep down - I'm still afraid too. It's the religion thing. I know it's not fair. I'm Muslim and he's agnostic. I know that he's wanted me to accept him as he is and - please believe me - I've wanted to. He's always been kind to me, all caring and showing me that - somewhere out there - not all guys are either jerks or sexist pigs, or even worse - both.:| He's made me feel safe but also reminded me to remain strong. With him, I can be myself, eventhough I don't always look my best. I don't have to be afraid of who I am.
But, since the day he told me not to miss him too much because I hadn't seen all his flaws yet, I was seriously taken aback.:( Honestly, I was crushed.:( Why did he have to say such things to me? What did he mean by all that? Was he slowly pushing me away?
*sighs*
I don't know.:( I didn't dare ask. (What a coward!*scoffs*) Maybe that's a sign. Maybe it's time for me to stop reaching out for the impossible. Maybe it's time to let go.
Maybe he and I can only be friends. Like Hani once said, "Look on the bright side, at least he still wants to be your friend and won't just leave you completely like you never knew each other, right?"
Oh, yeah. Easier said than done, but - again - I have no choice.:( Besides, this is not the first time I have no other choice but to let go. Why am I only good at this?
Thank you, Nicholas Henry Didier. Thank you for ever coming into my life. Thank you for teaching me to be braver as I keep going on against the ugliness of this world. I know reality's a total bitch, but I hope you know that I've tried my best. You're still the person deserving love to keep you safe, but maybe they're all right - it's not coming from me.
And just like what I've always been praying for Tiger, now I'm doing the same to you.:) If you want to know why, it's only because I truly love you, guys. You're the only reasons I still want to believe that real great guys exist.
So, where was I again? Right. Last Friday night.
Yuki suddenly called my cellphone. She asked me if she could stay overnight at my room, because she'd just missed the last bus home to Bekasi from Blok M. She just said goodbye to her fiance at the airport.
I told her to catch up with my brother and me at the netbar, so she took a cab. By the time she arrived, my brother was already done and ready to visit his friend someplace. So, the two of us girls went home.
She bought fried rice on the way. By the time we got home, she ate hungrily.
Whenever I hear funny stories about Yuki and her fiance Andrew, I can't help but laugh.:P I haven't met the guy yet, but got a good impression about him. Mr.Sensitive and Ms.Sometimes-Too-Oblivious (no, that doesn't mean she's heartless.) What's going to happen to their marriage in the near future?:P I've told Yuki I could make a sitcom out of their relationship, because it'll be hilarious!*giggles*
Yuki told me the two of them just had a minor spat before he left, and now she was feeling all sad and guilty. Andrew was giving her a surprise visit from Australia, only to see that Yuki kept bringing friends over along with them - when all he wanted that time was just a couple's quality time...alone. Talk about romantic expectations. Poor Andy.:)
But I knew they could always work things out, because they're not just madly in love with each other - but they're also best friends through tough times.:) (Both are from messily divorced parents, though.) When she finally got a text message from him, her face lightened up and she smiled broadly. She said he wrote: "Love you much."
"Just write 'Love you much 100x', that'll soften him up."
The next morning, Yuki woke me up because she needed to go to Bandung as quick as possible. Thankfully, Via texted my cellphone, telling me I didn't have to cover for her class that day. So I escorted Yuki to a travel van agency in Blok M. Aunt Yanti uses it all the time.
From there, I didn't feel like going home. So I went to the same netbar again. My brother went there too again.
By the time I went home, I was already dead tired.:( My sleep was short and restless. I couldn't stop coughing.
On Saturday night, we went to Dad's relatives to end the fasting day together. I was in a lousy mood, especially when Aunt Warni smiled and just made it worse by saying: You look fatter."
Great.*rolls eyes* Just perfect.
I ate normally for dinner...I guess.:| I'm not a complete hog anymore, remember? Then I mostly just kept to myself, read a bit from a book from a nearby shelf, and talked to a distant cousin named Aldi. (He has the same name with my own brother.) He's just this smart, nice, and good-looking fellow who studies in UCLA.:D He told me that most of the time, people in The States mistook him as an Indian or a Pakistani guy, especially from his appearance.:P
Then the kids and I went to Cilandak Townsquare until sometime around midnight. Hanging out at Brake, drinking and chatting (and smoking, for some of the guys.:|) I ordered ghoulash soup and water. I saw G order and drink a bottle of Heineken, but said nothing. (Mom's precious son-in-law, drinking during Ramadan.*big evil grin*) Aldi even had a glass of double shots of vodka, and he allowed everyone a sip. (Just a sip for me, thanks.*big evil grin*) Then I made him switch seats with me, because he was smoking in front of my pregnant sister!
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