2008-08-04 - 7:59 p.m.
June 11, 2008
Sometimes, I hate falling in love. True, that can make you feel happier and become a better, much nicer person. But hey, there's another side effect too. It risks your heart out - over and over again. It risks your sanity too. You're trying your best to act cool, but only to end up looking (and feeling) like a complete fool.
And you feel sad when you have to let them out of your sight - even for just a day or two. You don't want them to be away from you. You want them stay. (It's impossible, isn't it?) You wish you could always take care of them.
But still, that logical part of you knows that it's no good. If you love someone, you just want them to be happy. You know when you must set them free. Treat them like beautiful butterflies. Never clip their wings, so they can stay beautiful, happy, and free.
So they can also always feel safe with you, knowing you'll never want to put them in a jar with a tight lid.
What the hell am I talking about here?
By the way, Hani was right, Sayangku. I should've suggested you to go out with her while I was at work. I should've done that earlier. You weren't supposed to just stay at home and wait for me everytime I had to work. You needed to see (and experience) more out there.
That's why that Wednesday morning, I took you to Blok M's bus terminal to meet Hani and Mbak Bina. They were going to take you around this big city more than what I had done before.
"Mbak Bina has an idea," said Hani suddenly, beaming. "She's gonna take Nick to see Borobudur temple in Jogjakarta tomorrow!"
Say what??
"Yeah, you know just how much Nick wants to see that for real," Mbak Bina chimed in merrily. "We've all noticed that since Taman Mini."
Not just that, but I've also noticed the look on your face too when you saw the replicant of Borobudur inside National Monument. I knew you'd been wanting to see that. I'd have been selfish not to let you go. Besides, you obviously liked the idea.
But still, I was a little sad.
"I wish I could go with you guys - today and tomorrow too." I pouted. "I wish I didn't have to go to work today and tomorrow."
And I only want to be with you, I thought silently. Can your smoky-blue eyes see through me and notice that?
"Aww, hey." You smiled at me. "I know just how you feel. I used to work at nights and had to miss hanging out with my friends, remember?"
Yeah, your old night-shifts at a video store. But somehow, I still felt strangely blue. A lump began forming in my throat, slowly suffocating me.
"Hey, I'll see you again tonight, okay?" You reached out to hug me close. Instantly, I hugged back. It felt sooo comfortable. Time seemed to stop. It felt like we weren't in a crowded bus terminal in Jakarta. In fact, I didn't really care where we were. I didn't care that people were watching us.
I've never felt that safe before. I mean, I'd hugged you a week before - twice. The first was after you gave me that Harry Potter book and a bar of delicious Godiva chocolate. (Yummy!) The second was after you gave my parents that nice-smelling sand paintings made by a native American tribe.
After that, I left half-heartedly. I knew I had work to do and that was (more) important. I knew I'd see you again in the evening after work, at least before I'd let him go again the next day for his short flight to Jogjakarta with Mbak Bina. I had nothing to worry about, right? Absolutely nothing.
Except one. Hani's text message on my cellphone, as I left:
"Don't worry. If you still can't tell him that, then I will."
Yikes!
--- // ---
You took my bedroom key after you'd locked the door, to protect all of you stuff in it - especially your laptop. I was the one who forgot to take my shirt out of my closet for work before.
So I had to wear Dad's oversized one to work. I knew I had to concentrate really hard at work. I had to be professional.
Well, let's just hope that they didn't know that I was missing you. Strange but true...
--- // ---
After work that night, I simply hurried back to Blok M by bus. I wanted to see you soon.
Hani told me that you'd meet me at Blok M Plaza. I rushed there as soon as I got off the bus. I even wished I could've flown my way there to you!
Haha. I know, Sayang. That was just way too much.
I spotted you and Hani at the bookstore on the fifth floor. You two were chatting merrily and laughing.
I was glad that you were having a great time with my friends here. I didn't have to worry. They care about you too, you know?
I slowly snuck behind the counter, watching you talk. Then I jumped out to surprise Hani.
"Aaargh!" she screamed and jerked away, practically bumping into a squatting guy nearby. Looking seriously annoyed, he got up and glared at us - before leaving quickly. You and I both laughed. So did she.
"Ruby, you just shocked me!"
"I think you just gave Hani a heart attack," you agreed with an amused grin.
When Mbak Bina finally turned up and joined us, Mom suddenly texted my cellphone. She said that she and my sister would pick us up there, and then take us to dinner. Of course, we agreed.
"Don't forget to meet here again tomorrow morning," Mbak Bina reminded us. "The DAMRI bus leaves at ten for the airport."
"Okay." Of course, I'd escort you guys there too. I wanted to see you one last time.
Before we said goodbye to Hani and Mbak Bina when Mom and my sister arrived, Hani pulled me aside and whispered something in Bahasa:
"Mission accomplished. I've already told him how you really feel about him. Don't worry. It's all cool."
Huh??
"Uh, thanks," I mumbled, not really knowing what to say. My feet went cold. What should I do then?
When we got in the car and my sister started driving away, you suddenly said: "I forgot something."
"What is it?" I turned to you and asked.
"Hani still has my camera," you told me. "She's not flying with us tomorrow, remember?"
At first, I'd thought it would've been okay. Hani could've given your camera to Mbak Bina before the next day. But when I told Mom about it, she quickly ordered my sister to drive back to Blok M Plaza and me to text Hani's cellphone. Both of us did, though. I could tell that you felt bad about it. You asked me not to panic and said sorry to Mom.
"That's okay," said Mom. "A camera is a very important personal belonging. You must keep it yourself."
Thankfully, we weren't that far yet. Hani and Mbak Bina were also still around. After finally getting your camera back, we drove away again to have dinner at an area of food vendors in Tanah Kusir.
The dinner was okay. To be honest, I felt happy around Mom and The Almost Twins - because you were there too...
By the time we got home, I couldn't resist asking Hani about what had been going on while I wasn't around. You told me about several museums you had visited with them that all day.
I texted Hani's cellphone again:
"Uh, how did he react when you told him about...that?"
--- // ---
The three of you ended the day at Blok M Plaza while waiting for me. Later on, the girls told me how overheated you were from your outdoor walk in the sun - until they had to rush you in a cab to Blok M Plaza for a cold drink in an air-conditioned room. (I know you didn't want them to tell me that because you didn't want me to worry too much about you. It's okay, dear. I needed to know because I care.)
Then, after you felt much better, the three of you simply roamed around the mall.
Hani couldn't really remember just how it started, but then she blurted out about me:
"You know, Ruby's been wanting to tell you something really important, but whenever she looks into your blue eyes - she just loses it."
"I know," you gently cut in with a smile. "I knew it already. And, by the way, my eyes are actually more greyish than blue."
Smoky-blue eyes, I still think - like the colour of the morning sky in my city.
"It's just that...she doesn't know what to say - and how to say it."
"I don't know, Hani. I've already asked Ruby the same question three times. Now it's up to her."
And that was when I suddenly showed up to surprise them there.
--- // ---
"He's just the nicest man I've ever met, Ruby. You're so lucky. I'm glad to have both of you as my friends!"
Really? "How did he know that? And he's not mentioning any of it to me yet."
"Ruby, even the blind can tell that about you. And please, stop making me laugh right now. Maybe he's waiting for the right time to discuss that again."
Maybe. I silently watched you pack up for the next day. Then my cellphone beeped again:
"Maybe you can try talking about it with him tomorrow, before he leaves."
Oh, yeah. Right. That would be a great idea.
..........................
Easier said than done.
That night, I loaned you my brother's grey backpack for your trip. You accepted it and simply thanked me.
I'm going to miss you again tomorrow...
The Author
