2008-07-20 - 1:14 p.m.
June 9, 2008
I'm sorry, dear. I know you hate waking up too early. You need your eight-hour sleep everyday.
But I had no choice. We had to wake up earlier than usual, because I had to catch up with my classes. Hani's place is practically at the very east corner of the city, and I work in the...south.
And besides, you agreed. But still, I felt bad.
Well, I woke you up at 6:15 am - according to our agreement the night before. Thankfully, it only took a single knock on the door.
"Nick?"
"Yeah."
You came out of Hani's room, obviously still looking sleepy. I was amazed, but then you told me that you'd simply set your alarm clock the night before. Good.
After thanking Mbak Bina for her hospitality, we left with Hani. She had to teach a class at seven. We parted with her when she finally reached her destination.
Again, I suddenly felt sick. But this time, you noticed. I had goosebumps all over my arms. I tried to take deep breaths and just suck it all back in.
No, I'm not going to throw up," I mentally commanded myself. Not here, not ever, and not in front of you anyway.
But I knew that I couldn't lie to your smoky-blue eyes when you asked me this question:
"Are you cold?"
"Just a little sick," I admitted. Then the painful rush in me gradually disappeared. Thank God. "But not anymore."
"Good."
I'm always aware of what usually happens to me when I don't get enough sleep. I get slightly disoriented with too much worry and exhaustion. My eyes can't tolerate too much brightness.
Worst of all, my temper is...pretty short.
That was why I felt so relieved that you were there with me. Believe it or not, you were the one that made me hold myself together when the other people were pushing us really hard - just so they could get on the TransJakarta bus quickly. (I know, they're always that crazy!) I didn't want to screw up our buzzed-out morning even worse by snapping at them. I didn't want to freak you out too, knowing just how messed-up I can really be when I'm angry. We were both very tired.
For that moment, silence was golden...
--- // ---
"Ruby, Ruby! Wake up. I don't know where we must get off. Don't sleep too long!"
"Huh??" Oh, dear God! I'd dozed off on the bus again. I woke up and blinked.
The rest was a blur. We bought our quick breakfast at a food vendor nearby from home. Then I hurried on with my lesson plans. You sat next to me in the living room with your Chinese textbook open. We hardly said a word to each other. Our parents were home, and Mom thought it was pretty funny to see us that way. She bought us lunch.
When I was finally done with the lesson plans (thank God!), I prepared myself to leave. You were still busy studying when I grabbed my bags.
"I'll be home by eight or so," I told you, gently patting your shoulder.
"I'll be here."
--- // ---
"You're teaching a Tuesday-Thursday class too - starting this week."
What? I stared at my principal in disbelief and shock. No, please. Not now, while you're still here and I've promised you long ago that I'll escort you around Jakarta even before I accepted this job.
"But...I'm sorry, I can't." Have I mentioned that - sometimes - I don't like surprises? Besides, I wasn't really ready and still wanted to take one (small) step at a time. "Remember about my American friend who's visiting me here right now? I've already told you about him the first day before. I've already promised him that I'd help him with his college assignment about Chinese communities in Jakarta during my spare time."
Okay, I know that wasn't really nice, but I half-lied. (What else could I do, right?) You were here to roam around Jakarta before your real summer school in Beijing would start. You're taking Chinese Literature in college. The assignment? Ha-ha. What assignment?
I know that was not ethically...acceptable, but a promise is still a promise, okay?
"Oh." He looked disappointed. Feeling bad, I blurted out:
"But I can do it after June 15."
"Okay."
There. the problem was solved. Case closed. A slightly insolent proby that I was, but I believe I've made a pretty decent bargain. Besides, I still want to be responsible like most sensible adults at work.
To make it worse, Hani suddenly called after classes to talk about...that subject again.
"Come on, Ruby! It's already been a week," she urged. I was busy preparing for the next lessons. "You can tell him anytime soon now."
"Tell him what?"
"That you love him!"
The papers flew away from my hands. I had to bend down and pick them up.
"Are you crazy?" I protested through gritted teeth. "I can't."
"What do you mean you can't? Just say the words and that's all."
"And then what?" I challenged her. "He'll be flying away to Beijing and I can't even promise him a damn thing."
"Well, you don't have to," Hani said simply. "Sometimes, the most important thing is to just tell him how you really feel about him. After that, you two can worry - I mean, discuss - about the rest of the possibilities."
Really? I thought doubtfully. Is it that easy?
"But I'm scared." This has been my major problem for years since teenager. Let a street thug face me on the street at night, and I'll fight him off to death. Saying such things to my dream prince? Big gulps.
"Don't be!" Now Hani really sounded annoyed. "Sometimes love doesn't always have to end in a relationship. You can still love even without it. Besides, you have the right to."
That did it. I felt tears starting and hated myself for it. I began to speak - no, croak:
I think I'm going to cry."
"It's okay if you need to."
"Well, not here, okay?" It was too late now. I roughly wiped my cheeks with my sleeves and tried my hardest to regain the control of my breath. Not in the office, where someone at work could still come in anytime and catch me - although it was pretty dead quiet at seven.
God, please help me. I love him...
"So, are you coming home now?" she asked me after a long pause.
"Yeah," I answered weakly. "He wants to try grilled banana with cheese nearby and I've promised that I'll take him there tonight after work."
"Okay, then I'll probably call you again after that."
Okay."
Thankfully, I had enough time to regain my emotions all the way home. I didn't want you to see me cry. I didn't want to confuse nor even upset you. I guess I was just overly protective of you.
Before I carry on with this, I'd just like to say that I hate pity. Pity sucks and I don't even need it.
This what often happens to me. I fall in love, but there never really is a relationship. It's just me and my feelings. That old man character from "The Holiday" - Albert, I guess - was right. In a movie, there are always two female characters. One is the leading lady and the other is the best friend.
And I'm sure people can guess which character fits me best.
I don't know how to play the potential, future girlfriend. I don't know how to play hard-to-get, because I'm always the lousy actress. I know I may never win an Oscar for that. I don't know how to flirt and act indifferent just to get them curious and more interested in me. I'm a terrible liar. I'll simply get kicked out of that kind of game in ten seconds, maybe even less than that.
I just know how to be me. I'm a clumsy tomboy, a best friend to most good guys out there - even one she truly cares about more. I just know how to show, not tell them how I feel. I prefer waiting silently, until someone might notice the leading lady in me.
Besides, it's not just about religion issues that worry me the most. I know just how it feels when someone you love says they love you back, but can't promise you a damn thing. That just hurts, eventhough you can still understand their reasons why.
And I don't want to end up doing the same thing to you. I don't want to hurt you. I just want you to be happy, because happiness is just what a real, sweet guy like you truly deserves.
I love you. And I know this much is true...
--- // ---
"Nick, I'm home!"
We finally went to that food vendor that serves grilled banana with cheese that you wanted. At first, you'd thought it might've tasted funny - but after eating it, you said it was tasty. Great. I was glad that you liked it.
As promised, Hani called again. She and Mbak Bina offered to take you around Jakarta while I was at work next time. You agreed. You know, it was a good thing that I've introduced you to them too, just so you know that you have more friends here - more people who really care about you.
The Author
