2008-06-16 - 12:37 p.m.
Sometime ago - last year in April, perhaps - he left a message on one of my blog entries. Yes, I love writing a lot - especially in my blog - but I guess you can already tell that. It's totally obvious. I've been doing this since I was 21 and made friends from around the world. One of them was him, of course.
Honestly, mid-20's still pretty confusing to me. I know that we all have problems here. Writing happens to be one of my escapes - although maybe only temporary. Personally, I think it's much better than yelling at other people.
The weak side, I'm not good in saying what I really, really want to say. I'm quieter than The Almost Twins at home (my two siblings, but they're actually not the same age. My sister is the eldest and my brother youngest. Each of us is only 1.5 years apart.)
But anyway, his message on my blog entry that day changed my life. It did, in a wonderful way...
--- // ---
I was struggling through a heartache, while he was recovering from a break-up. I'd been loving another cyberfriend for 3.5 years already, eventhough he'd been in a long-distant relationship with another girl. I've always called him Tiger. Even after their unhealthy relationship ended, Tiger and I have never been more than just best friends. That's all. But we still care a lot about each other, like soul siblings. And I think I like like it much better that way.
Nick-ku was telling me all about his life. I did the same with my own boring world. He told me about his first marriage that only lasted three years. He also told me about his other girlfriend who broke up with him, when he'd thought that they could've been perfect together.
Somehow, loneliness brought us emotionally closer.
--- // ---
From entry feedbacks to e-mails, chatting in YM and even on the phone, Nick-ku and I were strangers no more. I slowly found myself enchanted by his beautiful smoky-blue eyes, his red hair, and his warm, sweet smile. He has a soft, warm voice too. I love hearing his laughter. It's my favourite kind of music in my ear.
They say falling for someone online is a foolish thing. I mean, how do we know that they're for real? Who can say? What do they really know? Have they all been in these shoes? Has it ended badly, in their part?
How do I know? By hearing the same question from him - third time.
"Would you like to have a foreigner as your boyfriend?"
Would I? Sure. But, since I'm Muslim, religion can be a problem if the guy isn't. I know it sounds unfair to you, but what else can I do? That's just the rule.
"I see." And Nick-ku sounded a little disappointed. I felt bad, knowing that he'd always been so nice to to me. "I can understand that religion is very important to you."
"Yeah," I sighed sadly. God, why?
"Don't you want to try?"
Good question. Personally, I can't say that a commitment to a relationship is like a test. Or maybe I've just never really dated anyone or even had a real boyfriend yet. (In other words, I'm just a single 26-year-old.) I don't know. Maybe I still don't understand anything that much.
My best friend Hani and Mbak Bina thought I was being unfair to him. Why wouldn't I give him a chance? Well, I'd love to. But, what would God have to say about that?
I hate this. Sorry, but I seriously do.
The second time Nick-ku asked that, I couldn't help but just start to cry...on the phone. Once again - why, God? Why should I have these feelings for him?
He said he was sorry for upsetting me. I just said I was sorry, because I was so afraid of hurting him like that. I never want to. He's always been so nice and I truly care about him.
The third time he asked...well, I'm sure you could already guess. I cried again, especially when he whispered, "Sayangku." (My dear). In the end, he just assured me not to worry way too much about that. We'd discuss that more when he visited me here in Jakarta. (Yes, that was the plan.) But he wanted me to accept him as he is - a non-Muslim.
Honestly, I just wanted to hug him close until all of his sorrow disappeared forever. I still do. And of course, I've always accepted him as he is. God, will we ever be?
Nick-ku was planning to spend thirteen days in June here, starting from the third. Most of my family and friends were a little skeptical about him. Would he really show up?
I couldn't hardly wait. I was so excited!
The Author
