2007-12-10 - 7:21 p.m.
I'm never bored staring at your snapshot. I've placed it on the wall of my room with sticky tapes. It's by my bed --- on the same level as my head where I lay. Every night, I lie down on my side while staring at your photo --- until sleep takes over my conscience.
I love seeing you there. You were smiling brightly, with perfectly straight, white teeth. It was your most spontaneous and sincere smile. I knew you'd never really liked having your pictures taken. I could see from the old photographs of you. You'd barely smiled. Your expression had been rather stiff, as if afraid of facing a gun instead of a camera. I remembered that my comment (which had been intended as just a dumb joke) had somehow offended you. We weren't speaking to each other until I finally apologized and you'd forgiven me. Fortunately, we could never have stayed mad at each other for too long. You'd always been the humorous and forgiving kind. I'd always been grateful by those two qualities in you. Honestly, I'd even wanted to be just like you. Sometimes I got so tired of being feisty and shrilly when I was angry. Besides being noisy and giving people headaches, I might've scared a lot of them.
Yes, your calmness and maturity had been able to conquer my explosive temper. With you, I'd always been (compelled to remain) calm. The point is, you'd made me want to be better.
Do you know something? My roommate here often bugs me. She loves laughing at my nightly habit. She thinks I'm being silly and pathetic. But I don't care. She can never understand. They're all just the same.
This is the only way I can see you. I have no other choice...
--- // ---
Click!
"Hey!" you protested in surprise. That afternoon, your laughter suddenly stopped as I snapped a shot at you. Even so, an amused grin spread across your face. I gave you my devilish grin in return.
"That rare smile of yours deserves documentation."
"You're crazy," you exclaimed, laughing again. God, I'd always loved hearing that. "I'm not photogenic."
"That's why you don't need to strike a pose. Being spontaneous is the main key for anyone to look attractive --- just the way they are." I smiled and winked at you. I put my ancient Nikon camera on my lap. Although I also had a more practical cell phone camera in my jeans' pocket, I preferred using the old-fashioned one for certain scenes. I couldn't even tell why.
"Just like you?" Your big, brown eyes were warm, radiating solace that slowly seeped into my soul.
"Maybe." I just shrugged, pretending not to care despite my embarrassment. I felt the familiar warmth in my cheeks. Yeah, you knew I have the same problem. I'm barely photogenic myself. My smile still often looks stiff and scary. I guess some things aren't supposed to be forced. It was later proven by your opinion (which had finally come out as brutally honest after I'd forced you to give me, with a promise that I'd never have been easily offended like most women's common reaction.) When I'd showed you several of the old pictures of me, you'd picked one as the best. What was your reason?
"Your laughter seems spontaneous, without burden. Sweet."
Yes, since then, I believe that only snapshots that can make people who feel not so photogenic like us look great. When I'd told you that one of my friends had taken that while I'd been distracted, your eyes had widened in awe.
"Nice snapshot."
Your laughter snapped me back from the past. Oh, it embarrassed me more.
"You look seriously cute when you're blushing like that!" You quickly grabbed my camera. "Now it's my turn."
"Aaargh, nooo!" I screamed in panic, looking away and lifting my arms for protection. Click! Damn it. Now there was my most spontaneous...yet also ugliest snapshot. You laughed again. Crazy!
Suddenly, Aqualung's "Brighter Than Sunshine" was playing on your cell phone. You quickly checked its screen and returned my camera. I noticed your sweet smile. Your eyes resembled the calmness of an undisturbed lake, typical for a man in love.
"It's her."
I smiled and understood. I let you move away a little as you talked to her. Relax, I'd never be eavesdropping on your conversation. You knew me. Although this might've sounded clich� and tad hypocrite, I was a happy girl seeing her best friend in bliss. I had no right to feel jealous of her existence in your life.
After talking to her, you smiled at me.
"Reva, I've got to go."
"Have fun." I gave your big arm a light punch, smiling back and winking at you again. Then, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "She's so lucky to have you...Sam."
Aww, that smile again. "Thanks, but she's actually the one to make me feel like the luckiest man in the world. Laters."
"Bye." Oh, if only it had been true. For you, I'd have convinced myself that what I'd seen --- although accidentally --- in her was wrong and only in my own imagination.
Yes, I was also a secretly grieving and angry girl because of that. I knew what she'd done behind your back. I'd caught her with another man more than once. She'd literally begged me not to tell you. She'd even apologized and sworn not to do that again.
I knew that --- as a best friend --- I should've told you. Even though it was actually none of my god damned business, I'd still had to be honest.
But, did I have the heart to wipe that happy smile off your face, every time you told me about her? I swear, I could only beg her not to hurt you again. You loved her very much. That was what I'd always reminded her.
--- // ---
This morning, I woke up to find one annoying problem.
Damn it! Who had the nerve to take your photo off the wall?
That afternoon, I saw my roommate among the other residents in the garden. She was showing me your photo, with an obviously mocking grin. Furiously, I came over to her. I tried to snatch it off her hand, but she quickly backed off and giggled. Bitch!
"Give it back!" I yelled. "It's mine. Give me that!"
"Take this if you can..."
I lunged at her really hard, your photo thrown off of her grip. I didn't care that she was screaming in pain as I kept slamming her against the ground --- over and over. Instantly, the garden was filled with screams of terror, mixed with chilling cries and menacing laughter. There were also mean-spirited roars, incessantly loud thumping on the tables, and the breaking of the glass.
Then, I didn't know why my roommate's face suddenly turned into the face of someone I forever hate the most...
--- // ---
"Va, patience, Va..."
I'd heard that twice. The first time was when I'd had to watch them cover your face with white cloth. Your cut wrists had been bleeding too much. It was too late, they'd said. I had to let you go.
So you'd finally found out. I'm sorry...
It was all because of her. She'd even had the nerve to show up at your funeral with her fake, apologetic expression. What a hypocrite and a cheap slut! I hated her. It shouldn't have been you...
At that time, the very last things I remembered were her broken and bloody face --- and the hands trying to break my grip around her neck...
--- // ---
Yes, more or less like robust figures in white who had finally dragged me away from my roommate. She was luckier, because she could still grab a nurse's arm in fear. She was now bawling like a little girl snitching to her mother. Meanwhile, I was struggling a lot as they forcefully put a straight-jacket on me. I kicked a man's jaw as he tried grabbing my feet.
"Easy, Reva. Calm down!" Then, they finally locked me up alone in a dark, isolation room --- with its soft walls and floor like mattresses surrounding me. There was only little light coming in from under the door and the tiny window on the door.
Furiously, I got up and began kicking on the door.
"My photo!" I demanded loudly. I didn't even care that my feet hurt and the whole ward would go deaf with my shouting. "I want my photo back!!"
One of the figures in white glared at me through the small window. Then...swoosh! Your photo was smoothly pushed in through the gap under the door. Using one foot, I pushed it to where the light shone on. Feeling terribly exhausted, I sat down and tried to regain the control of my breath. I gazed at your photo again, your sweet smile I'd forever miss. I couldn't tell why my rage slowly died down. I began to smile again.
Yes, they'll never understand. Only you can make me feel this calm. Too bad, I can never see you again.
All I have is your snapshot...
-the end-
