2007-11-27 - 7:58 p.m.
*deep sigh*
..........................
Alright, again --- after a very long time --- this will be my last entry for a while.:P After this, I won't be updating (although I'll still try my best to log on as much as I can --- despite the still shitty financial situation I'm in.*rolls eyes*)
When will I return? Next year? Yeah, probably --- since it's only a month away from now before 2008. Any New Year plans already? To be honest, I don't know. I'm not even really sure about it yet.*shrugs* I don't actually celebrate New Year's Eve that much anymore. That's not exactly my "New Year", if you know what I mean.
Last New Year's Eve, I just stayed over at Grandpa's alone and counted down the seconds in the balcony --- quietly watching the distant fireworks in the night sky while everybody was away. Then I found myself crying while watching this local movie "Heart" (a sad story about a tomboy's unrequited, yet undying love and loyalty for her own best friend, until she's compelled to do anything for his happiness --- including sacrificing her own by letting him be with another girl he loves.:'-|) Then I slept until noon and woke up to walk the quiet streets alone --- having my lonely lunch at a nearby KFC.
It was no fun, I know, but I still needed it. I sometimes need some time alone, just to think and self-reflect --- if you know what I mean.
This time? Well, like I've said already --- I don't know. I'm not really sure.*shrugs* Hani and her sister Ragil had once asked me that, but I couldn't find the answer. If only my best friend Nick could come this December, maybe I'd know what to do.;):P Or maybe I'll join the sisters instead. But since he can't, I'll just see what I can do later on.
If Patrick and friends are inviting me over to join them on New Year's Eve celebration...hmm, it depends.:P If it only involves hanging out and having fun together, maybe I'm up for it. But if it's something religious? No offense, but I still want to keep my own faith here.
In the end, we shall see.*shrugs*
Last night, I caught my old college pal Pumpkin's profile on Friendster that said: "...living in fear..." Genuinely worried, I texted his cellphone:
"I saw your profile at Friendster that said: '...living in fear...' What are you afraid of, dear? Is everything okay lately?"
His answer was:
"Hey, girl! How are you doing? Aww, thanks for your attention. Well, you know...as we get older, things are more complicated than ever before. But hey, at least I'm still alive and breathing here.:)"
True...:|
*sighs*
I remember three years ago, when I came to sleep over at Pumpkin's room on a Saturday night in Cinere, Lebak Bulus, South Jakarta --- right after Tiger told me he'd wanted to work things out with his now-ex, eventhough she'd cruelly cheated on him.:( (Note: since Pumpkin's gay, I always feel safe rooming with him. Hehe.*big evil grin*) My dear, good old Pumpkin had cheered me up --- telling me just how awfully brave I'd been by confessing my real feelings for Tiger and then later accepting his decision, simply by staying a very supportive friend to him.:) Well, I've never wanted to lose Tiger completely, haven't I? I'm just doing what I know best. All my cards have already been played.*shrugs*
Then, Pumpkin and I just spent the rest of that night doing our favourite 'girly-stuff'.:P Chatting, giggling, gossiping, snacking, and even listening to Mariah Carey and Destiny's Child CDs (his favourites, actually, not mine!*giggles*) Just like our good, old but simple college days I truly miss.:)
I wish I could just once return to the old days, when love wasn't this complicated and painful.:(
"I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
'Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My walls crumble when you are not near..."
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I just can't lie to God and myself here.
I still love Tiger.:'-( Always have and always will...
And I have no idea what else to do and how to conquer this...
The Author
