2007-10-24 - 6:52 p.m.
Yesterday was Dad's 60th birthday, but...it didn't end well.:( We'd eaten chocolate cake in the restaurant earlier, despite the electricity all around Panglima Polim was suddenly out. (Gone was my plan to update an entry.:P) It was also raining most of the day and part of the night, but I'm not going to be all melodramatic by connecting the weather with people's moods. Sooo cliche (although sometimes true.*rolls eyes*)
Well, my family and I headed home to Tanah Kusir a lot earlier than usual, especially since the electricity still went out and there was absolutely nothing we could do in the restaurant anyway.:| So, we'd closed it early. On the way home, The Almost Twins mentioned about some goodie-bags in the back of the car, and they'd wanted to put them all in the garage for a while. My brother was driving, while Dad was sitting next to him. I could tell that he (Dad) was zoning out. He always does that a lot lately, completely lost in his own little world and oblivious to his surroundings (I mean, reality.:|)
Then, we got home at sometime around nine. Dad jumped out of the car to open the gate first, but only stood and stared at the garage door. When Mom asked him to and reminded him about the goodie-bags, he suddenly went ballistic.
"I didn't know that the garage door needed to be opened!" he'd retorted angrily. "Nobody told me!"
"Well, you've heard the kids in the car," Mom shot back. "I thought you'd listened too!"
"I'm never asked to be involved in anything!"
"Why do you always have to wait instead of being the first to initiate?!"
In the end, Dad just went into our house and slammed the kitchen door really hard.:x (Gee, I thought all grown-ups were supposed to be mature.*scoffs*) Mom said nothing else. I'd tried to keep myself busy and pass the time by helping The Almost Twins unload the goodie-bags from the car. My sister had had this familiar scowl on her face. I could tell that she was also obviously sick of Dad's childish behaviour. We'd talked a little, so she wouldn't have felt too awful.:|
But then (just when the four of us had assumed it was over and no big deal), the senseless fighting continued. It turned out that --- as usual --- Dad had taken it a little too personally.*rolls eyes* After silently fuming alone, he suddenly came up to Mom and started pressing: "What have I done wrong?"
What's he done wrong? Everything, if only he'd asked me.:| You never listen anymore, Dad. You just don't care, but only demanding that the whole wide world must always understand you --- no matter what you do. To be honest, I think that's utterly selfish!:x But of course, you never want to take the blame or even learn from your mistakes. To you, it's always other people's faults. You're always so fucking defensive and that just hasn't really changed in years!:x No wonder not many people can really stand (talking) to you. You always have to win without any self-effort. The truth is, you're a complete loser, Dad!:( You're just sitting around and doing nothing but feeling all sorry for yourself. I'm sad and very disappointed of you. I mean, can't you see that Mom's tired surviving alone? Can't you see that we still need you?
But these silent, angry thoughts were only screaming in my own ears --- along with their ear-shattering arguments outside my bedroom door. About money, my brother's (still) unpaid college tuition fees, on-going debts, Dad's unwillingness to help, and so on...
And I looked at my own reflection in the mirror, noticing the awfully familiar glint in my eyes. I'd suddenly looked like a helpless, scared five-year-old.
No.:( Please, don't start, I had to silently command myself not to cry. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I just didn't feel like making it worse. (Besides, Mom always has it a lot worse.:|) Strangely, I'd finally managed to only let the tears slowly come out through my nostrils instead of my eyes. (How? Good question.*big evil grin*) But I was still dead upset on the inside, so I ended up sending the same text message to four people I feel closest to:
"My parents are fighting again.:'-( I want to get out of here."
Like a coward myself, I got out of my room after the fighting (finally!*deep sigh*) stopped. My parents weren't speaking to each other anymore that night, but Dad was still acting as if nothing was wrong. Ugh, how utterly frustrating!*rolls eyes* The Almost Twins weren't in the same room anymore. Mom quietly told me that they'd gone outside already. (No surprise!:P) Her furious (and tired) expression just saddened me.:'-(
I found The Almost Twins obviously escaping to a small shop across from our house. They both were sitting on a wooden bench, my brother smoking.:| I came up to them as they noticed me.
"Why did you guys run off here like this and left Mom all alone in there?" I protested. My brother gave an ironic grin.
"I was just buying myself a pack of cigarettes, but she followed me," he told me, pointing at our sister. She smirked.
"It was ear-shattering in there."
Yeah, I know that.:| But, should we leave Mom all alone when he's acting ridiculous like that towards her? I thought, more to myself. Well, too bad that sticking around without a word was even that stupid and useless.*blushes* Damn, I've just realised that about me.:(
Then Mom stomped outside while my brother was entering the house. Mom sat with my sister and me on the front porch for a while, complaining: "I can't believe that he's just getting dumber, more ignorant, and stubborn from day to day!":x My sister and I hardly said anything back. The three of us could hear my brother make a small talk with Dad inside. Well, that kid's often the calmest one.*shrugs*
Then Mom gave me money and ordered me to buy them dinner. After I had (from the same shop), we went back inside the house. I didn't join their late dinner, though --- because I was busy checking replies for my previous sent text:
From Menti:
"Patience.:("
From Hani:
"If only we lived closer, you know you could always run over here --- anytime they do that.:( Sorry about that. Try to calm down. Stay strong."
Thank you...:'-)
Tiger was even doing better.:D He called me last night!
"Hey, how are you doing, sweets?":)
"Uh, I'm doing pretty good now."
"No, you're not. I can tell."
"Damn, you know me too well."
"Yes, I do.":P Then I chuckled and I giggled.:D I don't know why, but his warm, heavy voice simply soothed me. I suddenly didn't feel sad anymore.
Amazingly, we'd talked for two and a half hours!:O All the jokes, fun singing to each other, and even the regular conversations...God, I've always missed him.:) He's such a sweetheart.
But still, I can understand why he's afraid of another long-distant relationship --- especially after what that silly bitch has done to him.:| (And I still fucking hate her for all of that!:x) You know, since I just want him to be happy and not worry about me too much --- I'm not going to propose that crazy idea again...
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