2007-10-19 - 4:53 p.m.
Alright, it turns out that --- we still can't open the restaurant today.:( Why? The kitchen staff haven't all returned yet.
Great.*rolls eyes*
If you think I should be happy with it, then I think you got it wrong.:| No, I'm not. This is bad for business. For someone whose main income relies on this kind of business, it's disastrous.
I've got to find another way to make money.:( It's not easy. It still isn't. I've only had a little left in my pocket, and my pathetic bank account is (always) wearing thin these days. I can't also count on anybody else as well...
*deep sigh*
God, my hands are shaking pretty bad right now. Why am I suddenly having these scary feelings again?:( It's happened several times before.
No, I've got to stay positive, no matter what. I have no choice. I must remain optimistic. I must be strong...
To be honest, I can't really remember the very last time I allowed myself to just let things go, fall apart completely, or cry in someone else's comforting shoulder, and all that stuff.:| I don't remember and even do that very often. No.
Regarding these days, I'd rather cry alone...:'-(
And if you think I should be happy for more day-offs...well, ha-ha.*sarcastic tone* Some holiday, if you ask me.
Okay, now I'm feeling guilty for complaining about this.:(*blushes* But, once again, I can't help that these old, familiarly awful feelings start creeping in on me...
It's about...Grandpa. God, I'm going to sound really horrible here, so I'm sorry.:( He's just old, ailing, and helpless. If nobody's around to take care of him, then how will he ever survive?
I know, doing good is never really easy. You see, Grandpa's male nurse hasn't returned yet. Since there hasn't been any replacement yet, my poor brother gets stuck with the 'baby-sitting' job most of the time, especially since he practically lives in the same house now. He's a very good kid, you know?:) He rarely complains. He's really tough, but still soft at heart.
That's why Mom and I (have to) help my brother, so he won't have to do it alone. Of course, I don't have the heart to be all selfish on him and Grandpa too.:( He's got other jobs to do and is supposed to worry more about his still unfinished college. Shame on me if I ever.
And, what makes you think that my sister --- despite living in the same house too --- is really reliable for this job as well?:P Alright, I'm not going to be such a bitch about her.:| I truly understand that she has a job. But still, what about when she's at home? My brother is still all alone in this. Get it??*sneers bitterly*
*sighs*
If you wonder why my brother doesn't ask our sister for help...well, he knows her.*rolls eyes* Besides, he's also the kind of guy who seldom asks for help. (He's a little like me sometimes, only minus the silent bitching.*big evil grin*) Come to think of it, is it hard to initiate a favour, instead of just waiting for the call? Do you know what I mean, right?
But still, she's Mom's precious darling daughter.*rolls eyes* I swear to you, if Mom ever reads this --- she'll tell me to leave my sister alone. Correction, leave her and Gatot alone. Ha!
It's just the same old stories, all over again.:( Nothing's really changed. Dad's still careless, oblivious, and lethargic. Grandpa's other kids (Mom's siblings --- my uncles and aunts) are still nowhere to rely on. (Well, I can understand Aunt Yanti because she lives in Bandung.) Except Menti, who still cares --- but even she still has her limits too. I can understand that. But the others? Hell, they don't even want to try. How ironic is that?
In the end, my family have to sacrifice most of the time for this. We're not even the richest. Whenever we ask for their help, the hesitation (or even ignorance) is often their habitual response. Some family.*rolls eyes*
And I still feel so fucking helpless.:x I hate it. I hate it.
.........................
We can still forgive, but can we ever really forget? Well, even if we want to, it never really gets out of our heads, right? We still remember.
Actually, I've already noticed this long when Grandma was still alive. When she had been ill, it had always been Mom and Menti who took care of her --- until the day she passed away.:( The others?? They could only complain when we'd asked for their help. Busy...no money...no time...whatever.*rolls eyes* Then, they could only cry during her funeral.
(At that time, my brother was already the most reliable son to Mom when it came to taking Grandma to doctors.:) I'm not surprised nor jealous if Mom's proud of him. He deserves that more than I do, and I still suck at driving too.*blushes*)
I couldn't cry during Grandma's funeral until a week after that. I'd also begun to notice strange things. I remember the unexplainable fear in Grandma's nurse's eyes one night after the funeral, when she'd practically begged me, "Please, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone here."
Since nobody seemed to want to stick around for the mourning Grandpa, The Almost Twins and I had taken our turns. Three nights after the funeral, I was there alone --- reading a book in a guest room. Suddenly, Grandpa came in and literally asked me to move into his room and watch TV together. I was still enjoying my solitude, so I didn't feel like doing so. It had seemed like a nice, innocent, Grandpa-to-Granddaughter request --- but he'd strangely insisted me three times already. In the end, he'd finally given up --- angrily.
"I just wanted some company, that's all!" he'd yelled before returning to his room and slamming his door shut behind --- really hard. I'd started to cry. He'd never been like that before --- so scary. Instead of coming over to apologize (although I wasn't sure what for), I'd ended up locking the guest room door until my sister finally came. I suddenly didn't feel safe at all and couldn't tell myself why.
It was long before my family and I had found out about the awful reason why most of the relatively new female housekeepers in that house quit after just a day or two.:| I still remember Menti crying about it for days and Mom's face --- pale with shock and disbelief.
It turned out that...*deep sigh* Grandpa had shamelessly tried to...*gulps* sexually molested them. No wonder they all freaked out and ran.
*blushes*
Well, I know that I'm not supposed to show these creepy skeletons in my family's closet, but the word was already out in the city anyway.*rolls eyes* Everybody knows this total shame. Worst of all, I'd once caught Grandpa myself --- trying to grope one of the kitchen staff during their night-shift.:x Believe me, I'd nearly dropped my mug!
"Grandpa, what are you doing?!"
"I want to touch her," he'd admitted shamelessly. When he noticed my shocked expression, he'd casually asked, "Can I?"
"OF COURSE NOT! ARE YOU CRAZY?!":x
:'-(...
They've said it's normal and...rather understandable.*scoffs* After all, he's still a man. He was married. What do you expect?
Well, since then, I don't feel like being all alone with him in the same room or even too close anymore.:( I keep my very careful distance. I know I'm being cold and insensible, especially that now he's ill. He can't walk properly anymore.
Oh, I forgot to tell you why I'd only finally been able to cry a week after Grandma's funeral. I'd been mentally exhausted and finally exploded after some stupid fight with Mom, before she and Dad flew to Surabaya that weekend.
In other words, it takes an extreme level of mental exhaustion for me to finally cry...openly.:( Some of my friends think it's unhealthy, but I still can't help it. It's already become a habit, a part of me. Besides, the real world I'm in these days clearly has no time for my little complaints.
The Author
