2007-05-27 - 7:45 p.m.
I don't know where to begin. I'm such a complete wreck...again. I wish I were totally numb today. I wish I had no feelings left here to stay. No, seriously. I'm even surprised that I can still breathe normally. I thought...well, I felt like I've just run long miles without stopping --- until my lungs were about to explode and the beating of my heart just stopped.
I've already lost a couple of nights' decent sleep, resulting in a migraine yesterday and another last night's deep slumber --- but restless. Pitch black was mostly the colour of my dreams. I only heard strange, scary voices inside my head. Hushed whispers of my old demons from the past again, and ragged breathings I subconsciously recognized as my own.
I didn't want to wake up this morning...at all. But still, I had to. Reality has no tolerance for this kind of thing. Mom urged me to hurry up for work, so I showered quickly. As I was washing my hair, tears suddenly started.:'-( No, it wasn't from the shampoo --- although I'd prepared that excuse for my parents, just in case I'd have come out of the bathroom with red, puffy eyes and they might've been suspicious.
But still, I'd let them fall --- along with the pouring water. I've learned how to cry silently. I do that a lot lately. In my real world, though --- crying is (considered) a sign of weakness. That's just what Dad always believes in.
Thankfully, when I got out and checked myself in the mirror, my eyes were just fine. Mom said that I have very expressive eyes, and that's why I'm often a terrible liar to other people. I wonder if she still notices that now, the way she always notices The Princess Brat and her boyfriend Gatot these days...
*deep sigh* Yes, people.:( It's the all-too-familiar agony again. It's the same old heartache.
I remember a couple of years back, when I had this really scary nightmare about my teeth falling off with awfully acid blood in my mouth. (I know it's gory.) There are several interpretations about it. Most local people here believe that it's a warning that someone you know will die soon enough (or some people, considering how many teeth that fall off.:P) Andy once said that it was about how much your lies hurt other people. Considering the acid taste of blood in the mouth, T.B. thought it wasn't about losing someone or even something --- but someone trying to put something inside your mouth that you dislike /putting bad influence in you. (???)
Back then, Tiger and his now-ex thought it was the sign of my fear losing someone (whom I consider) closest to me. Someone or some people? I'd wondered back then. Honestly, hearing that from both of them had felt more like an ironic slap in my face.:-/
Mom had agreed to their interpretation, but she also had another interesting point of view.
"I think the numbers of the falling teeth represents just how scared you are of losing that someone and how much they mean to you."
I swear to you, I'd wanted to cry back then.:'-( Of course she knew.
"Why do you always have to play the guardian angel if you have those feelings too yourself? Why should you act like the good, fairy-godmother?"
Because I thought that was for the best.:'-( I thought that was what any best friend in the world would (and should) ever really do to another. As long as he's happy and she's treating him right, remember? I'm not lying to you. It's never been easy for me, but to me --- he's that priceless. I just want him to always be happy. I had no other choice back then.*shrugs* He'd already made his.
And I thought that...hell, being a good girl would get you noticed more. But that's just a bunch of crap, isn't it? To them, you're just perfect for a friend to rely on. (Which is still a very good thing, I must admit and state here.) But they're not looking for a girlfriend in you. Why? The answer is very, very simple: you're dead boring and less challenging. They notice girls who know damn well how to flirt with them and make them all fall to their knees, not girls who can make them feel safe and supported. They want girls who play hard to get and act mysterious. It's easy. That's just part of the game, right?
I know I'm just being me. I'm not perfect, but so is nobody.:P I guess I shouldn't be too bitter of that simple fact. But I still stick to my principles. I don't (want to) change for other people, especially guys. I change for me, myself, and I only. I mean, if I start flirting around and playing hard to get, I'll be a total fake. Yuck!
I don't need too many admirers. I just want that one good guy I'm afraid I can never find again. Is it too much to ask? Am I asking for way too much here, God? Is it just my other stupid, useless wishful thinking that won't ever come true?
Whatever happens, she always wins. She's still successfully influencing Tiger, even after their break-up and with her now new boyfriend/future husband/whatever.*rolls eyes* She's still hurting him and I don't know why and what for. I don't know why Tiger's still putting up with all of that.:x I mean, she still talks to him, only telling him just how much she's lusting for that 34-year-old dude --- or how childish and immature Tiger is. (What? WHAT?! HOW DARE SHE! LOOK WHO'S TALKING!! BITCH!!!:x)
And guess what? It turned out that she was also a backstabbing, two-faced bitch as well.:x She was never really my friend from the very beginning, just acting nice and being manipulative to save her own ass! You see, she's secretly been jealous and insecure of my existence as Tiger's closest female pal in his life, so she tried making us fight...twice already! And I don't even want to mention the details here, but some of my good friends have already heard. So did Tiger. He told me that she'd said some shit about me to him behind my back, but...THANK GOD!:D He never believed her.*big evil grin* He and I are still talking. Haha! Take that, bitch. I never did that to her, eventhough she'd hurt him too many times.
Just for the record, I've already stopped talking to her myself since she'd betrayed Tiger and made him want to cut himself to bleed.:( She never even bothers to say at least hi to me anymore. Good. I'm sure she knows I'm angry with her. I don't want to end up saying mean but unnecessary things to her that I might possibly regret later. Besides, it's not worth it. I've got much better things to do.
*sighs* I know, I screwed up again.:( I've planned to wait until after June 14, but...something came up. As usual, he sensed something again.*blushes*
Anyway, we've been having the heart-to-heart talk pretty much lately. It feels so good, yet also very torturing at the same time. Why? I don't want him to think that I'm pressuring him or anything like that.:( No way! I did plan to wait, but he insisted that I should tell him all about it right away. Knowing how stubbornly persistent he sometimes really can be, I obeyed.
"Honestly, do you really think I'm worth that much to you?"
"You already know my answer to that."
"No, I don't. And that's what's so funny. Besides, I think you deserve someone better than me."
"You make me want to be better."
"You know, one of these moments, you're making me speechless.:)"
Is that a sign for me to just...stop hoping for such rare miracle and let him go --- again?:'-( Why did he (have to) tell me he had feelings for me too after their break-up, if he was afraid to be with me? I mean, I can totally understand his situation right now. (Plus, I don't want to be just a rebound girl here.:|) But I'm sure you know damn well just what the hell I'm talking about here.
Do I still want to wait for him? I do, but he thinks I shouldn't. God, I hate this.:'-( If You don't want him to be with me, then why is still so damn hard for me to just get over him and move on, no matter what I do?
Want to know my other fear?:( Let's be hypotethical. I stop waiting for Tiger and start giving another guy a chance. What if I can't love him like I love Tiger? What if I won't be able to love him at all, no matter how nice he might be and how hard I try? I don't want to find myself trapped in a loveless relationship in the future. I don't want to hurt that other guy with...this...
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