2007-05-03 - 8:10 p.m.
"Here I am, waiting for a sign.
I never seem to know
if you want me in your life.
Where do I stand? I just don't know.
I never feel I know you
'cause you blow hot and you blow cold."
I'm confused.:( I'm into a tailspin again. Have I somehow misread the signs? Have I been stupid and blind?
I've known him. Three years of great friendship is enough, I believe. (Or maybe I'm still just plain naive.:|) I'm happier when he's happy. I'm miserable when he's sad.
You might think I'm crazy, but I think I've found...one of my soulmates.:P Hehe. I often can sense his moods, even before he lets me know how he's doing. He often can tell if I'm lying to him or hiding something from him. What else is there to say?
But, is it enough?:( Will we ever be (more than just best friends, that is), or must I give up completely and then learn to face reality? What makes them all think this is easy for me? It takes time. I know it's been harder on him too. My dearest God, look what she's done to him.:'-( I can't forgive her for that. I'm afraid never. He's still in so much pain...
"It seems I've grown attached,
'though we're not the perfect match.
I just can't explain..."
If not all soulmates end up as couples, then why is it so damn hard for me to just let him go and remain only friends for life? Believe me, I've tried --- too many times already...:'-(
"Should I stay? Should I go?
Could I ever really stand to let you go?
Can you now find the right words to say
that maybe I'm getting in your way?"
It's like having one foot already out the door and another still inside this place. It's the comfort, yet also ironic zone.:(
Which must I choose? Will one really hurt me less than the other? Will it ever be that possible? Does being a realist mean you have to give up your dreams --- no matter how sweet they can be?
I know he's confused as well.:( I notice that whenever we talk these days. There are times when he's just being really...affectionate.:) (And I'd be a total hypocrite to you if I didn't admit that I actually enjoyed it.:P)
"I feel your warmth, got me wanting more.
You've left the door half-open
I'm in two minds to explore.
But then again, am I being honest,
being truthful to myself?
Can I see my life without you?
Could I be with someone else?"
But then, there are also times when he just suddenly sort of pulls away, reminding me that he's still in his...healing process.:( I can totally understand that, but why do I still find myself feeling rather...annoyed? God, I seriously hate myself for feeling that way.*blushes*
And I'm not that easy.:| It'll always take some time for me to fall for a guy. Look at me. I'm such a complete wreck now (although I don't dare let Tiger know this.:|)
"Should I stay? Should I go?
I really think it's time that you should let me know.
Can you not find the right words to say
that maybe I'm getting in your way?"
God, why did he have to say he had feelings for me too, after the awful break-up?:( And why did I have to hear that?
*deep sigh* Sometime ago, I've already mentioned the effect of too much alcohol.:( It'll show too much honesty, and --- sometimes --- some things are much better left unsaid if you're not ready to face the consequences. It hurts even more...:'-(
I love you, Tiger.:'-( Always have and always will. I know reality's such an annoying bitch these days. I know we're still best friends (and hopefully we'll get to stay that way for the rest of our lives, no matter what.:D) I know we truly care about and never want to hurt each other. For that, I am forever grateful.:) In fact, I thank God every single day of my life that I've met you. No regrets, because to me --- you're priceless.
I've mostly been a vengeful bitch all my life, but you've taught me --- indirectly --- how to forgive other people.:) You've always been so strong, more than anyone can ever imagine. But I'm well-aware that even strong people have their limits too.:| I know I can't take care of you all the time like I always want to, so I hope our God will watch over you for me.
"I'm sorry for having disappointed you countless times...:("
Ssshh, don't worry about that, Tiger.:) You're always forgiven. I'm not mad at you. I can never hate you. Even if I'm still disappointed now, it's mostly with myself these days.:'-(
Still, I pray that we both will survive from any of this and remain friends forever...
The Author
