2007-03-07 - 7:11 p.m.
Are we all ever really safe here?:|
I don't know why, but that question comes back to haunt me again after a long while.:| I know that I might sound awfully paranoid and rather defensive, but this is actually more than just that. In fact, I've always been having these strange conflicts within.
When I was a kid, my family's house in Tanah Kusir, South Jakarta, had gotten robbed...four times already!:x (Not so regularly, but still quite consecutive.:|) It always happened at night when everyone was asleep in their rooms. I'm not going to recall what was stolen back then, because it just doesn't matter anymore. Besides, that's not the point.
So anyway, my parents had woken up to hear mysterious noises outside their room during one of the four incidents in our house...sometime during the wee hours. They exited their room and found one of the front double-doors opened. Of course, Mom had been hiding behind Dad. They caught a sight of two men pulling the black iron gate open, both faces covered in sarongs and one of them carrying something in the dark.
"Hey!" Dad had yelled. "What are you doing?"
The two men froze, but then one of them reacted quickly. He took out a switchblade and whirled around to face Dad. Mom shrieked in panic, but still managed to drag Dad back in and slammed the door shut. After seconds, they opened the door again --- but the two burglars had already vanished with their motorcycle. (My parents said they'd heard the familiar noise.) Dad had called out for help, and lots of male neighbours were rushing for aid. But it was already too late. No use.:(
And I didn't go to school that day.:| I remember that it was Friday, and I was supposed to go for a camp with the other students in my class. I'd already lost the mood anyway.*rolls eyes*
The fourth (and hopefully the last:|) happened during my first year in college. Did we ever call the police to even just report on one? No. I'm afraid we still can't trust the local authorities. Why? They never catch the burglars. The bad people are still out there. They're free and that's always upsetting me.
*deep sigh* I know.:| It's just the way of the real world.*smiles sadly*
I guess that's why I grew up resenting the real world --- especially the bad guys in it.:( I still do. Like many times I've already told people before, I've always been a rather rebellious and temperamental tomboy. (And I've also inherited my temper from Dad, but I'm not going to blame him for that.:P I'm responsible for myself here.) I once took martial arts lessons just to help me protect myself, sometime back in grade school. I got angry at the boys who treated girls badly, even those who simply called my kind as weaklings and cry-babies.:x
But I couldn't get back at that boy who had pushed me against the window of the headmaster's office back in grade school for no reasons, until the shattering glass cut my hand. He'd just bolted and never apologized.
Maybe I just didn't want to admit that I was more traumatized by the robberies than what I'd shown them on the outside back then.:( I mean, there are still nights when I just lock my bedroom door. As a girl, my mind keeps screaming in rage, "Why? This is just so unfair! I hate this!"
Why is it still so hard for any girl in the world just to feel completely safe --- wherever they are, with other people or even alone?
The funny thing is --- unlike most girls normally feel --- I don't just feel the fear.:| I feel the anger as well. I'm afraid of being fully consumed by insecurity. I'm afraid of losing myself in the intimidation from the bad guys out there. I don't like letting them win. I can truly understand if some people think I'm awfully foolish and crazy. I won't blame them for that.:)
In other words, I fear the fear itself more --- not the people who (try to) cause that on me.
Since I was a teenager, I've enjoyed going out all by myself --- even at night sometimes. It's not that I don't enjoy going out with other people/friends.:) It's much as fun, but different. I know that I can't really make any of you who read this understand. It's more than just fighting back the fear --- it's also my self-therapy. (More about that sometime later, if you're interested.:P) I've even received similar comments from good, sensible people (especially guys!*big evil grin*) I know:
"Are you serious? That's dangerous! It's not safe for you."
:)...
Once again, I'm going to ask you this question:
'Are we ever really safe here?'
*sighs* I don't know how to explain this, really. If you've ever experienced the same issues as I have (and also if you're a girl too, of course), maybe you'll get to understand what I'm feeling. All I know is that --- eventhough some people say it with good intentions --- somehow, it still hurts me to hear this:
"That's not a good idea. You're a girl. That's dangerous."
Please, don't get me wrong.:( I'm not mad at those good people, but at the world. In my opinion, if a girl gets mugged on the street by a bad guy --- it's actually not because she's a girl who happens to be outside on her own (or even at night!), but it's because that guy is really bad. He's an ugly monster with beastly intentions.
And I know that prevention is much better, but --- do we have to sacrifice our freedom?:| Does it always have to be like that? I mean, there are times when I just have no choice but to go out and face the world alone. I must be brave and cautious at the same time, my parents have taught me. Besides, I don't want to be way too dependent. (Or maybe I just have serious trust issues, like some have said.:|) I've learned enough to realise that nobody in the world can always be there for you. There are times when you must survive on your own.
Last night, there's this guy who's been worried about my habit of going out alone as a girl, but --- unlike years ago --- I'm not mad at him.:) In fact, he's sort of reminded me of my own best friend Tiger. It's just...*sighs* I don't know. I want to thank him for his genuine concern, like I've thanked all the other good fellows of mine who are also gentlemen.;) However, I'm afraid I can't promise him anything, except that I'll try my best to always be careful when I'm out in the streets alone.
love,
The Rebellious Tomboy
