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2007-02-15 - 7:19 p.m.

Dear Mom,
Actually, I don't know where to really start this. All I know is that lately, I've been feeling so disappointed with you.:( If you're reading this, you might wonder why --- especially since you've always assumed that we're just fine. You even once said that The Almost Twins and I could always get along very well. The three of us have always been good kids, you told me. So far, Dad's been our only major problem these days.
No, Mom.:| Not only Dad. I'm sorry, but I can't just lie to you anymore. I can't pretend that everything is alright, because actually --- it is just not. I'm not okay. I've been trying to talk to you about this, but you've always barely listened. You never even let me finish my sentence, just because you think you know what I want to say. You tend to do that a lot these days, and --- honestly --- I'm already getting so sick of it.:x
I know, you'll possibly get angry if you know I'm calling her The Princess Brat. Either it's to your face, hers, and even both of yours.:| That happened once long ago, and you'd simply accused me as being harshly judgemental and mean to her. Well, we both know that's always been the truth, don't we, Mom? Yet you still protect her as if she's always the only fragile one. You always do, and she just needs to be spoiled even more and more. After all, she's just your darling baby girl. She's your precious child. Don't most people always find first borns special? I have no choice but to accept and understand that fact. There are some things in life that we just can't choose, right? The Princess Brat used to want to be the youngest child a lot, because she just couldn't stand too much responsibilities and loved to be spoiled. Well, looks like she still does now --- at least to me. Don't deny that, Mom. I know damn well that you actually see it as much as I do, or probably even more than you'll ever want to admit --- even to yourself.
But still, The Princess Brat has always been so lucky and popular. She got good grades without having to study too hard and still could slack off anytime she wanted. Still, she always made you all proud. Everybody knows her. She (still) has her rich and popular crowd of friends. She hangs out with them. She loves shopping when she has money. She dated like most 'normal' teenage girls do. She even has a steady boyfriend again named Gatot. The man you (seem to) adore more than your sluggish husband and struggling young son at home. Someone you've been treating specially and royally, as if he's such a flawless character anyone in the world should admire and make a role model for.
Don't get me wrong, Mom. (But I'm afraid you will, anyway, if you read this.:|) I don't (want to) hate both of them. You know damn well that I've inherited Dad's temperamental, but I still don't like hurting other people --- eventhough some may have done me wrong in the past. (And I also hate that when people simply accuse me as being touchy or even overly-sensitive. Trust me, they have no idea. Neither do you, I'm afraid.)
If The Princess Brat is always (considered) prettier and more popular than me, then fine. I can take it. I can live with it. Hell, I'm even used to it! I just hate that most people around me treating her as if she's a diva who deserves all the special treatments and praises in the world and as if she can do no wrong. (Just like the way you treat her these days, Mom.)
I just want to be left alone. For years, I've received starings and the same old, stupid question: "Why can't you be like her?" and I'm damn sick of all that. I still remember my first week in middle school, when a male P.E. teacher named Mr.Nova had stared critically at me and rudely said, "How come you're so different from your sister? You're so fat!"
If you never noticed, that was the main reason I refused to go to the same high-school/college/wherever with her. I never want anybody to talk to me like that ever again!
You once told me not to label her so rudely. Well, what about when she called me a freak at times? How fair was that? Freak and childish, she said. (Childish? Well, look who's talking.) Nobody ever stood for me. Not even you. I've always been on my own. Even when I really am a freak, is she really the right person to define 'normality'? I mean, it's already been bad enough for me to have heard that from Dad for years. You've even agreed with him and her.:(
I can understand that I've mostly disappointed you. I've been more of a silent rebel and a tomboy. I'm nothing like her. I struggle while she mostly waltzes through life easily. She's always been (kept) safe and protected, while I've already known the real demons in the world I must battle constantly --- including the one in me. (Care to notice the difference, Mom?) I'm more independent than her. God, I even took care of you when you were ill one night, while she just sat and watched TV. Aren't you ever proud of me? Why do you still love her more? I just don't get it. Anything she wants, she must always get. No matter how or what. If we're rich like The Hiltons, then fine. No problem with that. I know we're not financially secure right now, but why can't she cope with that as much as I do? Why won't she? And why do you always (have to) give in to her demands? Letting her friends --- including Gatot --- get more free treats from the restaurant? Borrowing Menti's money until the restaurant is mismanaged? Sacrificing my money --- my already minimum salary --- only for her own benefit, while I always work so damn hard to save some more and her salary's actually much bigger at work? What else? You often act as if she'll possibly explode like a child in a tantrum if she doesn't get what she wants. (Well, even if she will, then let her. She has to be reminded all over again that she can't always get what she wants, I think. For God's sake, this is the real world. Other people have needs too!)
What about Gatot? How long have you and The Princess Brat already know him, btw? Six months or less? Under one year only? He only talks to me when it's necessary. What do you think?
Since Gatot came into our lives, it seems to me that I don't even know you anymore. You've changed. It's like you've become a different person, a total stranger to me. You used to be wise and fair. You used to be more sensible than you are now. I can understand that you're stressed out lately, because Dad's no longer reliable and just plain ignorant. And I can see that you're also desperate about wanting The Princess Brat to get married soon, only because she'll turn 27 soon this year --- your age when you got married to Dad. (And what makes you believe that everybody has to share the same fairy tale like you did back then?) You're afraid that Gatot too will walk away if you don't treat him royally the way you treat The Princess Brat. God, you even allow them to sleep in the same room at night, even when my brother --- your own son --- isn't around. I know damn well what you mean about 'adult responsibility', but...you were never like this before. You act as if he means a lot more to you these days than I do. Remember January 15, when he suddenly broke up with her for no reasons? You cried with her, as if your whole world fell apart. That sucked, you know? Did he ever promise any of you the world? Well, even if he did, would he (want to) keep it? Would we ever know? You tell me.
When they got back together again, you simply welcomed him back like a long-lost son. You celebrated his return as if you got your entire joy back. That hurt. You never even asked why. You used to be objective. What's up with that?
I know that I can't keep you from loving them more than me. But I just want the old Mom back. Is it still possible, or have I already lost her forever? I miss her, you know. I miss you, even when you're physically around.
I've also had enough of sacrificing for her...and even him.:( Enough. I'm tired.

yours truly and (still) with love,
Your (Forgotten) Second Daughter

 

 

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