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2007-02-11 - 7:01 p.m.

Mom and The Almost Twins have gone to Bandung since last night. They're attending the 40-day-anniversary after my Uncle Herly's funeral (don't get me wrong, it's not a celebration. It's just cultural stuff.:|) They're probably back on Monday morning.
Dad was indecisive as usual, so he's gotten left behind.*rolls eyes* What makes him believe that the real world will always wait for him? He's very slow.:( I'm sad to say, but that's just the truth.
Me? No, I'm not going with them not because I still resent The Princess Brat and have my great disappointment with Mom. (But I still do --- both.:|) My interview for Trans-TV (or Trans-7, Bank Mega, or Coffee Beans:P) is tomorrow morning at eleven, remember? I don't want to risk returning to Jakarta late if I chose to go to Bandung too. Yeah, I know what I've said earlier about my doubt in taking that job. But I have to look as if I'm really longing for it, or else Mom will give me a hard time again. (Btw, my sister is older, but it seems to me that everybody's been much harder on me.:( I still don't get it. Why does she always (have to) receive special treatments? Why is she always being protected?)
But still, I'll try my hardest not to end up in the same place with Gatot there --- in case I get the job.:| Fine. Call me childish or immature. Whatever. I don't care. Besides, that's all what they'll ever (want to) believe about me. I'm tired of defending myself. Let them all think what they like.
If I get the job, I don't want Mom to think that I owe it big to him.:| I don't want her to go around, telling everybody with such pride: "Ooh, my second daughter is now working there, just like Gatot. Isn't that great?" I don't want her to imply that I'm following in his footsteps. Gatot this, Gatot that...Gatot, Gatot, Gatot...
*deep sigh*
This feels like going back in time again.:( I'd refused to enroll in the same high-school and college as my sister, because I didn't want them to compare us both together the way those kids had --- back in middle school. When some asked me why, I just gave them the big, fat NO! They had no idea just how damn hard it had been for me. Please, don't get me wrong. I'm not jealous. I don't care if a lot of people still consider her prettier/more successful/better/whatever than me. She's always been The Popular Princess, remember?*sneers* I don't give a shit. Just let her have that precious title for the rest of her life, as she pleases. I know she can't survive alone among the strangers around her out there, because --- in the end --- she'll always need protection. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be me. I don't want to be living in anyone's shadows. I want to start my own success in a place where nobody knows me, so I can be proud of myself. I want to be more independent and resourceful than I am now. I want to do what she can't, so people will see me as more than just a mysterious, somewhat freaky little sister.
I also don't really care if people forget my name or how I look like on the outside. I want people to acknowledge me from my personality and what I do.
I guess that's why I don't really care how the interview will turn up tomorrow.:P I don't care if I'll get the job or not. I mean, of course --- I'll still do my best like normal people usually do. (I have to appear normal, remember?*big evil grin*) But if I fail, I won't feel too sad about it. But what if I succeed? Well, I'll see if I can survive there for a year or two --- before I'll move on to another job, just in case.*shrugs* After all, life is just one big adventure, remember? There has to be alternative.:P
I also refuse to discuss tomorrow's job interview with anybody. No, I don't even want to think about it way too much. I'll just get myself numb and do the best that I can, like a robot. No emotional interruptions, please.
There's been a huge, purple swell on my left arm. Mom and The Almost Twins wondered about it yesterday, but I just lied about bumping really hard into something.:| My brother thought it looked like being punched, so I shrugged that off by casually doing something else --- away from them.
Brownie points for my dearest brother.*big evil grin* A couple of days ago, Mom had asked me to pay for my sister's debts to Menti...with my money. (WTF?!) She'd looked dead exhausted, so I mostly swallowed really hard and gritted my teeth. I could feel the tension in my jaw. It hurt.:'-(
"Sure thing, Mom," I'd mumbled weakly. Whatever.*rolls eyes* When she left, I'd felt like crying and screaming.:'-( I started punching my left arm as hard as possible, until I lost the urge to cry. It still hurts and looks so ugly, though.
Menti refused to my money. She said she wanted The Princess Brat to be responsible for her own doings, not other people --- including Mom and me. Good. At least I'm not all alone in believing that.:(
For tonight, I'll be enjoying my peaceful solitude.:) I'll be having The Almost Twins' shared-room to myself, since they're out-of-town right now. Tomorrow, I'll probably be heading to Putri's place in Menteng after the interview --- if possible. I need a temporary sanctuary, actually. Maybe I'll also be leaving a sealed-envelope of letter for Mom --- since she's been way too busy overly spoiling The Golden, Leechy Couple and too clouded in the head to even listen to me and come back down to earth...

The Lonely Heroine

 

 

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