2007-01-29 - 7:19 p.m.
I feel strangely out of place today.:( I don't know why. I can't really explain it. I'm not happy nor sad. I'm terribly exhausted, but my heart beats as if I'm running a mile nonstop or as if my adrenaline is rising sky high. I'm generally warm, but also cold somewhere deep down on the inside. It's like somewhere --- or even nowhere --- in between. Your feet don't touch the solid ground, but you're not really flying either. You're in mid-air.
*deep sigh* How do I explain this...this numbness?:| Or is it even really numbness anyway? A state of confusion? Some nonsensical loneliness inside the crowd, eventhough the faces that surround you are familiar and you can acknowledge each soul?
I don't know. Sometimes feelings are funny things we can or even cannot relate to. Your own mind can always play tricks on you. The interpretations can be different. They can even change rapidly. It's like a sick cycle carousel or a freaking roller-coaster ride. You're afraid to fall but is there any solid thing you can ever really hold on to? What if you're afraid to let it go? Do you want to be that dependent? What if --- whatever the hell you want to hold on to --- won't let you go? Will you lose your freedom? (Or are we ever actually free at all?) What if it suddenly lets you go one day, once you become too emotionally attached to it? Will you break and fall apart real hard if that ever happens?
Don't get me wrong. This isn't merely about stepping out of your comfort zone. And please, don't even kid me. There's no such thing as the comfort zone, unless the temporary kind we often create or even make believe it really exists. Remember, one question can lead to different answers. After all, that's just life.*shrugs* Full of choices, twists, and turns.
I don't know why, but I didn't feel alone at all when I went to see Hoobastank's concert last Saturday night.:) I'm used to going alone a lot, even at night. My best friend Tiger once said I was the great example for Kelly Clarkson's single "Miss Independent".*blushes* (Although I actually feel more like Natasha Bedingfield's song "Single".*giggles* Or perhaps even like Pumpkin's favourite Destiny's Child's track "Survivor". Whatever.:P) Even when Putri couldn't come with me because she had to go with her family to Bogor that same night (and also with the fact that both her mother and boyfriend Ryan --- whom she calls "Nemo" for a cute pet name, only because he's a Pisces and also a surfer --- wouldn't let her go:|), I didn't care much about that. I had fun at the concert!:D I didn't take photos, but that beautiful moment will always be my mental picture. I love them very much! I hope they'll be coming back again to my hometown for another show. I hope their "Infinity" logo will really make them a long-lasting rock band.:)
Anyway, some people were quite shocked when I'd told them I'd returned home alone after their concert last Saturday night.:P There had been two local guys whom I'd asked about time and they'd apologized for not wearing watches too. Then, after I'd thanked them and walked off, the corner of my eye still caught them staring at me in pure amazement.
*big evil grin* I know. I bet they rarely see any sensible girl walking home alone at night. The streets of Jakarta are far more dangerous at night. Sick, ugly, and twisted predators are lurking everywhere more freely.
But hey, I got home safe, didn't I?:P Then thank God for that. Never mind the sexist pigs in my country who still believe that it's utterly inappropriate for women.:x Fuck them and their Stupid Draft (RUU APP) too!
*sighs* Anyway, I'd asked another after those two random dudes.:P This time, it was a Caucasian father with his three teenage kids. The nice-looking old man glanced at his watched and told me with a warm smile: "It's half-past ten." I thanked him cheerfully and headed to the nearest bridge. He didn't look at me like the previous two had. (Or maybe he'd just cared more for his kids than some weird, female stranger.:P Well, of course. Silly me!*giggles*)
I'd taken the last bus home. Knowing that the bus station in Blok M always closes at ten, I stopped and hopped out of the bus in front of Pasaraya Building. I'd had to walk a few more long blocks to Grandpa's House/The Restaurant in Panglima Polim. I didn't mind.:) The streets were dead quiet as a freaking graveyard, I know. But I wasn't afraid, 'though I remained extra cautious and kept silently praying: "Ya, Malik!" over and over again for more protection from God. There was this silence that I loved, the kind you don't usually get during the day (or don't at all.*giggles*) A sense of peace that helped me think more clearly and feel much calmer. I was still well-aware that danger could come to me anytime, but...at that time, I just didn't care. I could still feel their eyes on me, but somehow...I'd managed to make their voices --- either calling out to me in concerned greetings or curious questions o even just rudely calling me names --- fade into a soft hum in my own ears. It just felt surreal. I didn't feel like Avril Lavigne in her video "I'm With You".:P I'd felt free, like having almost absolutely nothing to worry about. I'd felt strangely invincible --- out of touch, out of reach...
I'd felt safe.:)
And until now, I still wonder:
Will I ever get that feeling again? I'm not sure if any of you who are reading this tad long-winded entry can understand or even relate to this. Will I ever get that sense of pure comfort in solitude? Will I still be able to get that chance of a "me-time"? Am I being utterly selfish about all of this?
Confusing, huh?*big evil grin*
When I finally arrived in Panglima Polim, Mom had been sitting on the front porch with my sister and Gatot. Mom told me she'd almost sent me a text message, asking if I'd wanted a ride home --- but I already arrived.:P Mom had looked surprisingly calm enough, as if already believing that I could've taken care of myself somewhere out there.:) (If it had been my sister, she'd have either panicked or just stayed put, then she'd have used her cellphone to start frantically calling for help and definitely a ride home. She can never be alone, as far as I've noticed for years before.*big evil grin*) My sister had given me her favourite pitiful stare, while Gatot had given me the same look as the two guys had. It was definitely the "Are-you-crazy?" kind of look.
Ah, whatever.*rolls eyes*
I called Putri on Sunday afternoon to tell her bits of Hoobastank's concert, and she'd shrieked with envy and remorse.*big evil grin* When she urged me to tell her more, I'd said, "No, girl. You'll have to read the details in my Friendster blog."
*giggles*:P
Putri was also very shocked to learn that I'd gone home alone that night --- something she too would've never even thought about doing. She's actually a very cool pal, but also a bit of an indecisive brat and fragile at times.:| Just like the meaning of her name --- "Princess" --- Putri is the kind of girl destined to always get protection from most people around her, like family, friends, and even her boyfriend. Since she isn't the selfish type of brat, I truly care about her and don't mind her getting all that. That's why I stay being her best friend.;)
I'd told Tiger as well when he came online last night. (Oh, how I've missed talking to him.:D) Then he'd asked me to help him with his novel project!
Since he's helped me with my Teenlit novel project before, I'll just return him the favour.:) I hope I'm doing it right.
Wait, is this only the aftermath effect of the concert?:-S I mean, I was very happy last Saturday night --- happy like when I was a carefree teenager. Then, after that was like...boom! I just crashed back --- fast and hard --- to the real, cruel world again. Blink, blink, sigh. Gloomy. A total numbness.:( How odd could that ever really be?
Or maybe it has something to do with something else as well. You see, I've passed Trans-TV's psychological test.:) I'm going to have an interview with them on February 12 at eleven am.
Of course I will go.:) But the question is, do I really want this job?:| I like being a freelancer, but I can't deny the sad fact that I need more money too. Plus, my family are hoping so much that I'll get that full-time job, it starts giving me some sort of...pressure. I mean, I understand that they need more help on their financial issues.
When I was a kid, I used to imagine that when I grew up and got a job, I'd work hard every other day without skipping (even if I was ill) --- unless if there was a concert of my favourite musician in town.:P
I know, I'm crazy. I wonder if it's safe doing that with your full-time job.*big evil grin*
The Author
