2006-11-08 - 7:12 p.m.
I know I was supposed to get my new ATM Card at the bank this morning. But I already woke up late, so I'd lost my mood. Plus, the sky was gloomy, so I sensed it would rain today.
And it finally did.:) Still, I thanked God for the rain.
I know you might wonder (or even have already guessed it).:P I ended up in a cybercafe again this morning. Why? Aww, come on.*scoffs* I think most of you (who regularly read my diary, of course ;D) already know the answer.
Tiger, of course.:) Who else?
Another sad story?:( Unfortunately, yes. I was quite thankful I didn't use the webcam, so he wouldn't have had to see me cry. He didn't know that I had as we talked, only could've probably guessed from the icon I was using.:(
About the last guy his girlfriend had kissed? They ended up in a...umm, petting.:| So, it wasn't just a kiss. Knowing she'd already 'been with' other guys before long before she'd met my best friend, I wasn't that surprised. What still hurts me the most is the painful effect she has caused on him...again. (Oh, my dearest Tiger...:'-( God, please protect him for me.) I don't know what to do. I know I'm only his best friend, though I still wish I could do more for him --- something else than just sit and listen. Anything for his happiness, remember?
And another thing, I'm afraid he's somehow still unaware that it has ripped me open and apart a lot more than I showed him.:'-( It hurts very much like hell and I feel like slowly dying on the inside.
How could she?!:x How could she do that to him again? He loves her so much!:'-(
But still, there's nothing I can do about all that, eh?*smiles sheepishly*
"You're happy, they're happier.:) You're sad, they're miserable.:( You can't really ask them to stop worrying about you. Why? Because it's already become a part of their natural habits, since knowing and caring for you."
Oh, yeah.:| I wrote him that last night, as a small reminder from a best friend. And he liked that.:)
Since I was a kid, I've always been an angry child.:(*blushes* I have somehow inherited Dad's sulky looks and temperamental. Yup, it's me and my emotional over-capacity, people.*rolls eyes* That's why I often write in here. This is just a suitable place for me to vent.
However, I've always been so afraid of showing my real emotions...in public.*blushes* I hate crying too, because I'm afraid that once I do that --- it's going to be so damn hard for me to stop quickly. (So why the hell am I doing that a lot these days?:'-|) It's been considered a weakness, I'm well-aware of that. So, I usually find another outlet to help me escape my bad feelings and negative thoughts.
You might be quite stunned at this simple fact about me.:( I'm 25, but I still bite my fingernails --- until they're bleeding sometimes. That's why I still can't use the nail-polish.:P*smiles sheepishly* I still do that when I'm emotionally...unstable.:(
I also still throw things around or slam something down when I'm angry. When it gets worse and I feel like screaming or crying or even both, I usually hide somewhere alone and do something else much worse. I hit myself. I hit real hard, until I have dark blue swellings on my shoulders, arms, and sometimes legs.:| They can stay there for weeks and if someone --- for example like Mom --- wonders about those bruises (when they're somewhere visible, like out of my sleeves), I can casually and safely claim I just bumped into things.*shrugs* Luckily, they've also known me as the clumsy one.:P
I know. I need serious help here.
I've heard about self-mutilation before, but...no, I never think about trying that too.*shudders* I know damn well it can leave permanent scars on your skin, so...no way. My gay friend Dave did that back in high-school, out of pure depression. When my aunt Menti first discovered that her husband Big Memi was cheating on her, she slashed her arms too.:( The scars on both her plump arms are still visible.
I'd already suspected something must've been up when Tiger had told me that he wouldn't be able to shave for a while, due to several serious cuts on his face. Yesterday, he didn't want to tell me what had actually happened to him, so I sensed he was hiding something from me. But, since I didn't like pushing him to tell, I waited until he was ready.:|
Until today...
:'-(...God, please. Please, just protect him. Watch him out for me...I love him so damn much...
I'd thought Tiger had mostly been strong and sensible enough to face anything, but...well, I guess everyone has their limits.:( He had cuts on his arms and elbows too. One friend there, a girl named Lisa, had given him a 'sedative' to calm him down and stop him from doing...that again (and I'd like to seriously thank her for taking care of him. Thank God he's got good, reliable friends over there.*smiles sadly*)
It was all because of that girl.:x And her mother...my dearest God, I thought she'd already approved my best friend for her only daughter.:'-( I thought that her father was the only problem left. I thought, after years of this long-distant relationship, my poor best friend could finally receive blessings from both parents just to be with the girl he loves.
Anyway, his girlfriend has already promised him she'll never cheat on him again...in the name of The Holy Book my religion is using. Good. And this time --- she better keep her word.:| For his sake, she better...she better...:x
*deep sigh* Alright, I must calm myself down too.:| I can't keep doing this to myself as well.
And he's asked her not to meet any of 'those guys' ever again. Normally, I'd think guys like this as selfish and overly-possessive. But in his case, I can truly understand. She's already broken his trust many times before. She asked for it!
Oh, well. Not much I can do about that.*shrugs* But still, I had to make him promise that he'd never do such awful things to himself again.:( I need him to take good care of himself, because I really want to see him. Even for just once in my entire life.
"Why? I'm not even worth for you to look at."
Goddamn it, Tiger!:x Don't say such things to me. You're going to make me cry again with that...:'-(...Damn you...
I love you...I love so damn much...Even when you don't feel the same way about me...
"I could only love you as my best friend and sister too."
Well, that's okay too, my dear.:) As long as I can keep you here with me, as an important part of my life --- one way or another. As long as you're happy. Really. After all, my feelings for you are my own responsibilities.:'-)
"Someday soon, you'll find yourself the right prince charming just for you --- much better than me."
Just leave it up to God, my dear friend.:) God Knows Best For Everyone. Right now, I only know that I love you --- and this much is true. But nobody's really better than anybody else in this world, Tiger. They're just...different.*shrugs*
I love you, Tiger.:'-( Always have and always will...
The Author
