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2006-11-07 - 7:18 p.m.

Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I found myself seriously wanting to cry my eyes out just this morning.:| But instead, I'm feeling hollow practically almost all day. You know.*shrugs* Blank. Empty. Hollow. Numb.
This void is seriously driving me crazy. I wonder if I'll ever get to stay sane all over again.:(
*deep sigh* Well, anyway. Here we go again.*smiles sadly*

I have been waiting
Always waiting for something new
Happiness has always ended
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

I went to do a little online researching about Japan for that open essay contest I'm planning to enter.:) I met Tiger online and we talked. He complained about the postal service in my country, because the birthday present he'd sent me got returned practically three times already with the same status: 'non-deliverable'.:( So, that present has to stay with him until we really get to meet someday (well, hopefully we will.:|)
How sweet of him.:'-) Now I badly want to see him. If you wonder if he's really worth that much, my answer will definitely be: yes.:D Call me naive and I don't care. I'm sure there's a good reason why God has somehow gotten the two of us met online and made us stay good friends until now. If it's not meant for love, then that's okay.*shrugs* I'm already blessed to be his best friend and trusted one, though.:)

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I am happy and sad at the same time.:| I don't know why I keep feeling this way about him...all over again. I thought I could chase the old, scary ghosts from the past and capture them back to where they (are supposed to) belong. I mean, since Tiger and I have promised to stay best friends forever, I've somehow managed to lock these old feelings inside my isolated castle. They're not supposed to come out anymore. They shouldn't escape like they already have, roaming freely and laughing at my face as they keep mocking my conscience. It hurts. It hurts but I still can't win.:( It hurts like hell. I'm supposed to be strong enough to make them all stay where it's better...and safe.*sighs
I'll never really get away from this, will I? No matter how hard I've tried. Is this supposed to last forever too?
But I never want to lose him anyway.:'-( Somehow, I need to keep him as an important part in my life, one way or another. Even only as a friend...

Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

He also showed me his picture with longer hair and beard, and I kind of teased him that he looked a bit like...Ralph Fiennes (*giggles* okay, I know that's ridiculous, since Tiger's an Asian too like me!:P) He just laughed.:) I know his girlfriend was online too and they were talking 'serious stuff' (she's on my list too and we're fairly friends to each other, btw), so I didn't dare disturb her. For Tiger's sake, I hope things will turn out right. If she really means it this time that she'll never ever hurt him again like she already has way too many times before, then she better keeps her word.:|
Do I sound like a two-faced, manipulative bitch here?:( God, I hope not. I don't want to be a hypocrite as well. I'm afraid. I'm trying my best to be fair to her, since she's never been personally mean to me. Maybe I shouldn't be too hard on her too, knowing her overly protective parents still disapprove him. No matter how hard he's tried to impress the two of them --- especially The Dad...:'-(

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

My dearest God, he's just so beautiful.:)*deep sigh* Inside and out. Do You see what I see, or more than mortal eyes, heart, soul, and mind can ever really observe? I bet You Do. After all, You Know Everything, including The Best for each of us here.

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Why...oh, why?:( I just want to see him happy. I want him to be happy. I love him so much, but I choose not to tell him that all over again. It's no use. It also feels just so wrong. If this only worries him again and more, I'd rather just shut the hell up and bury it inside. Trust me, it's for the better. I want to take care of him, even with the only way I know how and what I'm really capable of --- as far as my limits as a mere mortal takes me. I need to keep him safe.
Tiger had picked up something else in my glum expression when he saw my face through a web-cam that night.:| He'd guessed: "I suspect that has something to do with more than just RUU APP." (Wait, how did he know that?:O Whenever I discussed that with him, I always said "the stupid draft". Could he possibly be...*shudders* no way, the chances are quite slim. He's not the kind so into reading online journals that much.:P Maybe it's the article about The Stupid Draft I sent him once long ago before.:| Yeah, that had to be it!)
When I'd claimed it was just my usually emotional distress/depression about real life, he'd asked quite a corny question: "Am I part of your depression?"
"LOL!Of course not, buddy!":P I had to lie to him that night. I'm sorry, but I just don't want him to worry about me like that. Besides, it was not entirely true. How come he's part of my depression, when he often makes me feel happy just by being himself and showing up in my life?:) God, no.:( I can't let him think or even feel like that about himself. Ever. He means a whole lot more than any of that to me.

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

For him, I'd battle my own demons --- day and night, deep inside. On my own. For him, I'll make sure that my evil, bitchy side won't ever win this constant war of nerves and successfully come out to scare him off. No, I know better not to ever let her.:x This isn't just about a sad tale of a girl and her sad obsession about her dream prince charming (and I'm not a Goddamned psycho, alright?!)
This is about strong feelings one can't ignore.:| I've never felt this much about any guy in my whole life before. Pretty dumb and sad at the same time, huh?

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

Will it? And will it be good for me?:| Will I ever really get by? Why do I feel like I have nothing to really hold on to these days? I'm all alone, here in the darkness...

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I must be strong.:| I can't keep doing this to myself.

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost
Lost
No

To Mr.Darren Hayes: if you ever read this entry, I want to say how much I love this song of yours. It's so gloomy. It suits my mood perfectly these days. I can totally relate to this.

The Author In The Dark

 

 

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