|
2006-11-07 - 7:18 p.m. Been spending so much time underground I found myself seriously wanting to cry my eyes out just this morning.:| But instead, I'm feeling hollow practically almost all day. You know.*shrugs* Blank. Empty. Hollow. Numb. I have been waiting I went to do a little online researching about Japan for that open essay contest I'm planning to enter.:) I met Tiger online and we talked. He complained about the postal service in my country, because the birthday present he'd sent me got returned practically three times already with the same status: 'non-deliverable'.:( So, that present has to stay with him until we really get to meet someday (well, hopefully we will.:|) It doesn't really matter where it all began I am happy and sad at the same time.:| I don't know why I keep feeling this way about him...all over again. I thought I could chase the old, scary ghosts from the past and capture them back to where they (are supposed to) belong. I mean, since Tiger and I have promised to stay best friends forever, I've somehow managed to lock these old feelings inside my isolated castle. They're not supposed to come out anymore. They shouldn't escape like they already have, roaming freely and laughing at my face as they keep mocking my conscience. It hurts. It hurts but I still can't win.:( It hurts like hell. I'm supposed to be strong enough to make them all stay where it's better...and safe.*sighs Ever wonder why I never really truly connect He also showed me his picture with longer hair and beard, and I kind of teased him that he looked a bit like...Ralph Fiennes (*giggles* okay, I know that's ridiculous, since Tiger's an Asian too like me!:P) He just laughed.:) I know his girlfriend was online too and they were talking 'serious stuff' (she's on my list too and we're fairly friends to each other, btw), so I didn't dare disturb her. For Tiger's sake, I hope things will turn out right. If she really means it this time that she'll never ever hurt him again like she already has way too many times before, then she better keeps her word.:| I am famous for my generosity My dearest God, he's just so beautiful.:)*deep sigh* Inside and out. Do You see what I see, or more than mortal eyes, heart, soul, and mind can ever really observe? I bet You Do. After all, You Know Everything, including The Best for each of us here. It doesn't really matter where it all began Why...oh, why?:( I just want to see him happy. I want him to be happy. I love him so much, but I choose not to tell him that all over again. It's no use. It also feels just so wrong. If this only worries him again and more, I'd rather just shut the hell up and bury it inside. Trust me, it's for the better. I want to take care of him, even with the only way I know how and what I'm really capable of --- as far as my limits as a mere mortal takes me. I need to keep him safe. Turning pages over For him, I'd battle my own demons --- day and night, deep inside. On my own. For him, I'll make sure that my evil, bitchy side won't ever win this constant war of nerves and successfully come out to scare him off. No, I know better not to ever let her.:x This isn't just about a sad tale of a girl and her sad obsession about her dream prince charming (and I'm not a Goddamned psycho, alright?!) Better to hold on to love Will it? And will it be good for me?:| Will I ever really get by? Why do I feel like I have nothing to really hold on to these days? I'm all alone, here in the darkness... It doesn't really matter where it all began I must be strong.:| I can't keep doing this to myself. It doesn't really matter where it all began It doesn't really matter where it all began no no To Mr.Darren Hayes: if you ever read this entry, I want to say how much I love this song of yours. It's so gloomy. It suits my mood perfectly these days. I can totally relate to this. The Author In The Dark
|