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2006-08-31 - 7:03 p.m.

I finally got to talk online with Tiger last night, after what seemed like a long time.:) It's always good to talk to him. He just got better from the flu, but then there was something else he told me. Something scary.:|
Have I already told you that Tiger lives in Quetta, a southern countryside of Pakistan? He's also a member of a local tribe there, known as The Fearless Tigers of Balochistan (now you know why I nicknamed him 'Tiger'.:D) We've been best friends since July 16, 2004 --- 'though we've never really met face-to-face yet (only trading pictures, but I guess that's still enough for now.:) He just has a sweet smile as much as his own personality.) I love him too --- always have and always will --- but, knowing he's already very much in love with another girl (whom I've finally also become friends with) --- I've decided to come terms with reality and alter this obviously endless love for him into something more and strictly...platonic. Is it complicated?:P Knowing life's already hard, I'll try my best simplifying this --- even little by little. Is it difficult? I'm not going to lie to you, it was absolutely a living HELL on earth at first.:( But, when you love someone THIS much, how will you ever really have the heart to see them unhappy? There's a saying that all's fair in love and war, but I just never want to be THE BITCH who tries taking someone else's loved one away or even destroying other people's relationships. No way. Besides, war is NEVER fair. There's always the losing party. And love's supposed to have win-win solutions to make it work, but real feelings just can't be compelled. You can't make someone love you if they just don't.*shrugs* You only have to do that to yourself.
So, that's it, he's still with her now and he and I are still best friends.:) I guess that's just the only win-win solution I know, my alternate happy-ending. TB once told me it was actually impossible for anybody to ever really set the people we love free like that.:| True, it's never easy. But what if I don't have a choice? Besides, I'll never want to trade his happiness with anything else in the world. That'll be way too cruel.:( He's a real sweetheart. He deserves that. Enough said.
Anyway, speaking of something scary, it's about his own country...on the brink of a civil war again.:( His tribe leader just got killed by mysterious assassins there (he's already told me that he lives in a place where violence is often an everyday situation. There are often common rivalries between tribes and gangs --- often hard to avoid.:| He even told me last night that he'd gotten shot when he was twelve.:O It had only been a graze, but still...it was obviously an attempted murder, especially because of his last name and tribe.:'-( My dearest God, no wonder he's always so tough. And lucky too.)
Tiger actually hates violence (as much as I do, even with my lousy temper *blushes*), but I guess this time he really has no choice.:( As the eldest son in the family (he has an older sister about my age and a younger brother who's still in high-school), he has to step forward and take the stand --- protecting his family from any possible attack. I assure you, 'though he hates violence --- he's not even afraid of death. He's more afraid of death coming to his loved ones first. It was obvious how torn he'd been last year, when he'd lost one of his high-school best friends in the earthquake disaster back in early October 2005 --- during The Fasting Month.:'-(
Tiger's also afraid of not being able to see his girlfriend for real.:( Why did I say 'for real'? It's a long-distant relationship that's already been going on for about 1.5 years (all cynics, just shut up for now --- including me, of course.:P Although the two of them haven't been able to really meet each other, I hope it'll happen soon --- knowing he's a good guy.:|)
*deep sigh* He kept telling me just how badly he wanted to see her for real --- all that stuff.:( Although he'd already sent her a mail, telling her he'd never stop loving her no matter what --- he still literally asked me to do the same thing: "I actually don't want to be away, but...if you don't hear from me for a month or so...and see her online, please talk to her and tell her I love her so much --- always will. And please pray for me too."
:'-(...
Of course, he actually didn't even have to ask all that. I will. We're buddies, remember? Besides, I also want to see him too, for real --- eventhough only for a while.:( I don't care if he's not meant for me. I just need him to live. I just need to see him alive and happy. That's all.
God, I hope both our countries will be okay.:( I don't like this. I still love him so much, always have and always will. I don't need to tell him that again, he's already known. Some things are already much better left not overly spoken.
I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't feel so brave right now. I want God to always protect him, wherever he is.
I don't want him to die too soon...:'-(

The Scared Author

 

 

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