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2006-07-14 - 7:06 p.m.

Worrying about Grandpa, I almost forgot to mention another thing. It's about me.:)
I've decided to take an official TOEFL test.:D What do you think? I know I've dropped out of an English course here years ago when I entered the busiest high school ever (I went to a strict, private high school that had long hours --- from 6:45 am until 4:30 pm from Monday to Thursday, but luckily...we still could go home at two from Friday to Saturday :P). Since then, I've mostly survived from teaching myself with books, movies, song-lyrics, and the internet as well.:) I've also corresponded with some good people around the world (yeah, you know just who you are.;D) My sister had a perfect score of 550 when the minimum standard was still at least 450 for a TOEFL a few years back. No, I'm not voicing my envy here. She'd had that chance when most things in my hometown were still cheaper enough years ago. I guess that's just the advantages of being the first-borns. Parents are pushing their first kids to achieve better and more, putting all their hopes on them --- if you know what I mean.*shrugs*
I guess that's what's made my sister always the lucky star in our family. She's obviously almost everybody's favourite. I mean, have you ever heard something that's called "a musician's second album curse"? To be honest, sometimes (just sometimes, okay?:| Maybe a whole lot more when I was still a kid and through my difficult, teenage years, but not that much anymore) I feel like that. They all admire my sister, and then turn to me as they wonder why I can't be just like her. It hurts and can be an intense pressure if you think about it way too much and just allow it to scare you off and take your breath away. It's like agreeing with the majority that my sister is a Vega in astronomy while I'm just still an anonymous little star.*rolls eyes*
I can't stand them. They're not being supportive with me. They're always pointing out the success in my sister and the failure in me. Well, so fucking what?! Everybody's different, alright? Just please, leave me alone!:x You're making me feel insecure all the time, and I've had it! Enough, okay? I don't want to be anybody's tail, eventhough my sister has so many good things about herself. I need to find my own path. I want to create and play my own game, with my own rules as well. This is my life. I set my own goals. It should be just me, myself, and I. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm territorial.*shrugs*
*deep sigh*
Damn, I sigh a lot these days. And sorry, I had to let that out. But don't worry, I won't let this bitch in me completely ruin my sanity.:|
I've been having reasons to get out of my home --- and now, my own country --- to just start a new, independent life. Mostly it's because I want to concentrate on me without overly strong influences like my sister's success and popularity for example. I want that someday, people will look at me and perhaps some will tell my sister : "Look your little sister is brave and unique." You know, stuff like that.*shrugs*
In other words, I just want to feel proud of myself. But, with The Damn Draft (RUU APP) lurking like a hideous beast threatening my freedom here, it's the safety I'm desperately aching for. :( People who disagree with it have been writing to SBY The President, but I sadly doubt he'll ever listen. I mean, if he did, then he wouldn't let those blind fanatics just terrorize this country and let the killers get away that easy. If he really cared about the citizens' safety, then why wouldn't he want to keep us safe?:'-( Why do we still feel scared, hurt, and angry? Why are poverty, famine, and unemployment still ruling this society? Why are so many children still unable to go to schools, thanks to highly expensive tuition fees?:x
And the blind fanatics are making a fuss about morals and women's outfits and what women should do to make this country a much better place (or, should I say, their twisted version of "a better place"). Bullshit! They just want money and power. Everyone knows that. It's so fucking obvious.
I'm also thinking about writing to the ASEAN and UN people about this whole shit. Tiger doubts they too will give a damn (especially since the whole world is already turned upside down and way too fucked up:|), but...*sighs* I'll try anything these days.:( What else can I say? I'm so fucking desperate for safety.*shrugs*
Okay, back to TOEFL.:)
I've discussed this with a few people already. IELT sounds interesting and tempting too, but...considering the fact that it has a higher minimum score to reach for (650) and an expensive, two-month preparation class is required --- TOEFL's my only option. That's okay, since I still can take the TOEFL test without having to enroll the prep class. I know it's rather bold, but money is the problem.:( And I've found a place close from where I work. It's not so expensive too, I can still afford it.:)
While IELT focuses more on grammar, TOEFL focuses on...vocabs.*gulps* Judging from my diary entries, do you people (who read my journal, thank you very much :D) think I'll stand a chance to succeed? I'm nervous.*cringes*
Btw, this will again be my last entry for a while, because I'll be off to deal with reality all over again. Job searches, writing contests...everything. If I'm not back soon enough, next month is my usual possibility.:)
Where do I go from here? I still don't know yet, but I hope somewhere better and may God help me.:( Will I ever succeed to get out of this whole mess? I want and have to. I must.

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