2006-07-13 - 7:12 p.m.
Okay, now this is getting scary.:| I guess I was wrong to assume Grandpa's condition wasn't that bad, because he'd just thrown up blood again today and...
*deep sigh* Oh, my dearest God.
I went to visit Grandpa in Pondok Indah Hospital, South Jakarta this morning with my parents. My brother and Menti --- with her three kids --- were already there.
And Grandpa looked so skinny.:( Skinny and helpless. He reminded me so much of Grandma a couple of years ago, before she'd finally passed away in July 5. I just can't help thinking of this.
I also remember feeling numb the first week after Grandma's funeral. I didn't even cry at her funeral as much as everybody had.(Strange, huh?) I remember feeling angry and hurt at some relatives (like my other uncles and aunts with their super brats I still call my cousins) who'd acted as if they'd truly cared about Grandpa, but then they just carried on with their own lives --- while Mom and Menti have been the busiest bees caring for Grandpa. I remember nights spent in Panglima Polim. Those awfully gloomy nights weren't so bad if The Almost Twins --- or at least one of them --- had been around. But oftentimes they went out at night (okay, so they have more reliable and loyal friends than I do :|), so I was mostly alone. I remember locking myself in the small room upstairs, holding back the tears but still badly wanting to cry everytime Grandpa got furious over little matters.:'-( Although I'd clearly understood it was just from his depression, it still hurt.
Then I remember a week after Grandma's funeral, when most of my maternal families were gathering in Panglima Polim. I remember shooting my deadly looks at my lazy, bratty, older cousins in vain --- because they'd all just been very insensitive while The Almost Twins and I with our parents and Menti were cleaning up the house and serving meals to the guests.:( I remember my growing hatred over my uncles (especially Buto Ijo), because they'd been mostly acting bossy and pretending they truly cared about Grandpa like any grown son should.
And I remember my fight with Mom that very night, and how I'd been silently crying myself to sleep.:( The next morning, my parents had had to fly to Surabaya, East Java to meet Uncle Iwan. Luki had texted me, insisting that we should meet right away and I carry my small tape recorder. I'd snapped at him and regretted that. Although he'd completely forgiven me when he saw I'd been crying my eyes out and heard my explanation, I still felt bad. I mean, snapping at people who don't know shit about your problems is still a mean, lousy thing to do. That's not good. That's still hurting people too, eventhough any sensible grown-up can see you don't really mean it.:(
But there were good times too as well.:) Going to Hoobastank's concert in August with my college best friend Putri. Hanging out with her and her other two best friends Santi and Tika. Having a mega crush on Putri's cute neighbour Dedi Joenanto a.k.a. DJ The Prince Charming, although his younger brother Gandhi is obviously much more handsome (but I had to back off when I'd learned that DJ already had a girlfriend. I didn't want to get myself in trouble, right?*big evil grin*)
I'd also met Tiger the very first time on July 16, 2004 --- about eleven days after Grandma's funeral. His first mails had brought a smile on my face, and since then --- his kindness and witticism have forever captured and enchanted me.:) This fine, young gentleman with a heart of gold has somehow softened up a rebellious, temperamental tomboy in me. He never stops reminding me that I'm not exactly a love cynic.:P Although he and I can only be best friends and not more, I'm already thankful for that.:) I'm grateful that we've agreed to always stay friends, no matter what. I'm so glad to have met him and allowed him to enter and become a part of my life. He'll always have a part of me, one of the very special rooms in my isolated castle.
*deep sigh* If you knew him personally like I do, I bet you'd understand why I've fallen in love with him before and finally agreed to just stay friends with him.:) He's a real sweetheart, what else can I say?*shrugs*
I don't know why I let my mind wander back to the past. Now these voices are echoing in my head, driving me crazy.
Btw, I miss TB too.:'-( I hope he's okay...
My parents and Menti are checking on Grandpa again in the hospital this evening.:( My brother's going to watch over him this whole night. Mom told me the doctors have already given up, except keeping him well-sustained with regular blood transfusion.
Now I don't mean to sound rather pessimistic and scared about this, but...I can sense that Grandpa is actually quitting.:( 'Quitting'. Do you know what that means?
He's been refusing to move and eat. He vomits a lot, and now with blood. He even talks about missing Grandma so much and wanting to see her all over again.
*deep sigh* Damn, I don't think I can carry on writing this entry...:(
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