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2006-07-10 - 7:12 p.m.

Alright, I've just slacked off and buried myself in sorrow for too damn long (and way too deep as well!:|) I must get up and continue looking for a side job to help me earn some extra cash. There are two things that have been running around in my head a lot lately:
1.Getting myself out of my country, because I still have this awfully tormenting fear that The Damn Draft (RUU APP) might possibly be legalized. I know --- for the umpteenth time I'm thinking of all this --- I might sound like a coward to you, thinking of running away like this. This can also mean simply giving up and letting the blind fanatics win and just take over my home.:( But, what if I'm no longer strong enough and my courage is wearing thin? My God, if only I had or could gain enough strength and patience, perhaps I wouldn't be too disappointed of me like I am now.
2.Making my own passport.

How? Looking for a side job to help me earn more money is the only answer, of course. In my hometown, you can't really survive with just one job these days. Besides, I've got my family to take care of. My brother's still in college. He's the first priority.
*deep sigh*
And I need to enter these writing contests too, but sadly --- I still haven't come up with anything else yet. Even the possibility of winning at least about fifty or a hundred bucks sounds good to me. These days, try anything.:|
Want to know why I've been so afraid again lately. Ask the Australians who have lost their families and friends here in my country.:(*blushes* The mastermind behind the bombings has gotten out and now roams freely in my country --- along with his groupies, of course. I don't need to tell you his name here, because it's just way too painful --- even for me. And please, don't even ask me about the local authorities. They all can say it's the country of law, but the whole truth is --- they just have no idea. Some people can buy law, or even pay to bend it for their own benefits and just make others suffer. Rules get easily bent and broken here, if you have enough money and power to make that happen. This is the reason I've stopped watching "The X-Files" when I first learned that "conspiracy" does exist in real life. Some powerful people up there always have their sick, twisted hidden agenda and can always get away.:(
Honestly, I'm actually not a good practitioner in my own religion.*blushes* I have my own sins as well. But I'm also not the one who reads all the books and thinks she can find the answers to every question, because the fact is --- I just don't, okay? No one ever really does. Human beings have their limits. Nobody's a holy saint here. No mortals can ever play God and tell others what to do to have better morals.:(
That's why I strongly disagree with them.:( They're just so full of arrogance, violence, and misogynicism. I'm afraid the worst things that might come, because they are consistently supporting The Stupid Draft. Sadly, there are still lots and lots of poor, mentally vulnerable people here who might possibly and easily be swayed by all this nonsense --- without really aware of something else behind all this. Since these people are obviously desperate for money, anything's possible. They'll get along as long as they're paid enough. I mean, just why the hell not?
I talked to Tiger last night and...guess what?:) He has the same thinking as I do about this whole issue. It doesn't take someone with political or even law background to understand something else behind this. It's so damn obvious that even the most clueless, common people can see it very well. It's not about any religion or standardizing the people's morals. It's not about certain ideologies, but merely money and power. They're planning to create a tyranny (sp?) here, and then acknowledging themselves as holy saints carrying messages from God. Things might possibly turn a lot worse than what had happened back in May 1998. I hate and fear this scary possibility as well, but what else can I do? This is a major threat I'm not sure I can handle well. I still have my limits as a human being as well. How will I ever be able to change the world? I'm still in this uncertain situation.:(
I can't even talk about this with my own family anymore, because...they've already laughed at me and barely taken me seriously.:( They think I'm only being such a paranoid about all this. They think it's impossible to happen, but it'll be harmless in case it is. They think of me as a freak, remember? They're just like most other, ordinary people around here --- bright and hopeful and almost ignorant. (Oh, yeah.*rolls eyes*:P Whee!*sarcastic smile*) It's good, actually, but don't let that get you carried away and make you forget reality.
*sighs* Alright, so I'm dark and moody. And tad impulsive too as well.*shrugs*
My dearest best friend Tiger's trying to win a scholarship to UK again this year.:) He'd actually gotten that after high school, but his parents hadn't been ready to let him go just yet. Thankfully, this year they are. A sweetheart like Tiger deserves to have his dreams come true. This is good news!:D
Then, what about me? Okay, I admit I envy him a lot.:| I badly want to go abroad too. I mean, I've been wanting to travel around the world since I was still a kid. I had a plan of moving out to be independent since I was eighteen, but my parents had had the same problems of letting me go.:( I'm reaching my mid-twenty now and I badly want to make that childhood dream come true. I mean, it's normal too, isn't it? It's not wrong either to have this dream, I believe.
And ever since The Stupid Draft's been mentioned in my country, my will's just growing stronger than ever. No one in my own family could ever really understand the way I'm thinking and my point of view. I just want to decide what might possibly be better for my future.
But seriously, is saving yourself (considered) selfish?
Tiger offered me something pretty BIG last night.:O He'd said, if my pride allowed me, he'd find a way to get me out of my country and help me start a new, independent life. (Is he serious??) But strangely, when I told him I'd pay him back --- even little by little --- he'd strongly declined, saying he'd already be happy enough to help me. (OH, MY GOD!!:D)
Can you all believe this?!:'-)
I haven't told him yes or no yet. I mean, I don't want him to think I'm using him or something else like that. I know we're best friends. But, stuff like this requires careful planning and calculation.
That's why I'm still searching for a job to help me earn more money. I'm even thinking about taking a TOEFL test to improve my English. It'll help me more with my job applications, I hope!

The Determined Author

 

 

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