2006-06-11 - 7:16 p.m.
Last Saturday night felt odd to me.:( I don't know why. I just felt so lost, alone, and out of place --- even in the crowd! That's pretty weird. I mean, no matter what I do, I still feel there's this gaping hole within me --- left unfilled. It is something awfully familiar that truly scares me.
Blank. Empty. Hollow. Void.
Just name it, but I'm afraid I can't easily explain it.
*deep sigh*
Oh, dear God. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown again.:( How do you explain it when --- right now --- all you want to do is just freak out and cry and giggle hysterically at the same time? I mean, can someone or anyone actually do three things like that at once?
I also start to feel something else too. Something like...an inner resistance to even feel. An automatic self-numbing process. Trust me, I've been this way before. When you see so much chaos going on around you, it just gets you. You feel like you have to barricade yourself from the world around you, just so you don't easily get hurt. You don't just let anyone in. Trust is a sensitively major issue.
Or, have you ever felt like you're about to split yourself in halves --- mentally? No, I'm not exactly talking about multiple personality disorder, but...a little bit close to that. Do you ever dream of escaping from your own life and just starting fresh with another name, face, and soul? Or, is there a time when you somehow don't fit in --- even in your own life --- and then decide to drop that for a while (or like, stuff that back in your closet) and borrow or create another?
I know it sounds strange and rather scary to you. It is to me. I mean, it's not that I don't even love myself.:( The thing is...I just don't feel safe anymore, wherever I am and whatever I do. I often lock my isolated castle, but there are times when I foolishly let the wrong people in. Living in a lonely island can give you true safety but no comfort when you start wanting to look for the crowd. It's like a greedy child wanting it all when she knows she can only have a few. Does that make sense to you?
*sighs* I don't know. I just feel so twisted right now. I keep asking myself: "What the hell is wrong with me?":(
This is just not good. This can't be good.
Tiger often worries about me getting personally...'cold'. Just like TB (and The Almost Twins and other people who know me pretty much), Tiger always disagrees with me being 'The Love Cynic'.
Does love even still exist on the streets where I live? The draft has been giving me this dark, heavy sarcasm. What love? They all just want money and power. No compromise nor compassion. They always have excuses to steal other people's rights to freedom. No acceptance nor tolerance for differences. No understanding. They're just using religious symbols to scare others, so they'll obey without exception. Just like a group of high school bullies who use their social influence and power to stomp on the regular kids.:x
Before I'm starting to get too depressed, I just want to say this will be my last entry again...for now. I have a lot to do and money's been pretty tight again, so I'm not going to be online for too often --- except to send more job resumes and for writing contests. This is just another break, but I'll let you know about the draft. Thanks to all the friends who have been so good to me.:)
Edith, you rock!:D Stay true to yourself and how I wish I had your patience.
Jewel, you're gifted. Never regret being you, because you really are something. Stay strong.:)
River, sorry about the break-up --- but I know you're not an emo.:P You're one hell of a tough guy and I'm so proud to know you!
Tiger, let's keep watching each other's backs, shall we, little brother? That's what true friends are for.;D I love you, man.
Last but not least...TB, where are you now?:( I miss you and I love you. I really do. Are you okay? I hope nobody's hurting you again there. Please let me know. You're always in my thoughts, heart, and soul. I hope you are safe, happy, and well-loved.
love,
The Author
