2006-06-08 - 7:19 p.m.
I am afraid.:( I am sooo afraid right now.:'-(
I don't know if I've done something right. I asked some of my friends like Peni, Netta, and Putri about the new draft. After they told me they disagreed, I gave them the petition forms.
I know, I suck at volunteering jobs.:'-( I don't have much time nor courage, and that's why I naively trust some of my friends. (TB, if you read this --- this time, you are right about me. I'm naive, and in my country --- naive sadly equals childlike dumbness.:'-|)
If I find a traitor among my friends, I'll handle them --- 'personally'.:(
*deep sigh*
Alright, now I'm depressed.:'-( We don't have much time anymore. I've just heard that the final decision for the new draft's legalization will be made on...
...June 10th.:(:(
And I'm not sure I've been a good contributor for The White Roses' Alliance.:( I know, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves. I'm not an angel nor a saint. I have my limits and ugly sides too. It's not that I don't want to be better, though.
I just cannot be a full-time volunteer, eventhough I want to.:'-( I'm not that persuasive. I have my job and my family too. I have to think about their safety even more.:(
Besides, they don't know I'm in this too. If they knew, I'd get in serious trouble. I'd possibly freak them out.
I can't get myself into this way too deep. I'm sorry, I might possibly sound like a fucking coward myself, but I just can't.*blushes* I just want to do all my best, as much as my limits allow me.:( I hope I'm not letting them down or even making them think I'm one of those bullies.
But the truth is, I feel somehow disappointed of myself. Is this normal? Have I been such a shameful failure all over again?
We're not going to make it, are we?:'-( I'm afraid of really losing this time, seriously and for real. I don't want my country in the hands of those blind fanatics. No. I don't want to have to wrap my entire self like cocoon, just so no perverted hypocrites out there will have their ill-intentions to attack me...sexually.:x No way. I'll kill them, I'll just kill them all myself if they dare --- I swear to God!
And I don't want to have to carry a knife in my pocket when I go out at night alone. I don't want to have to look over my shoulder all the time even more when I'm out there on my own. God, I've had enough of this. I'm just utterly sick of this. Please, I don't want this horror to happen. I hope You won't ever allow this to happen in my country. Please...I know You Know Best.:'-( I'm sure You'll Always Understand. I'm a woman, and --- right now --- I'm really scared, angry, and hurt.
My Dearest God, please help us all...:'-(
My niece Andin's chosen what most of my family choose about this issue. Ignorance. I know, it's a whole lot safer and easier not to take any sides. Being neutral is also an option. I can understand that, especially since Andin's understood my reason for this anger.
*sighs* Oh, God. You've seen what they've done here. They're just acting selfish, rude, and judgemental --- as if they're the saints and flawless. I hate them.
Please, just don't let them do this.:'-( Don't let them take over my country. I just want our peaceful life back again...
.........................
I couldn't take it for a moment, so I decided to call my Uncle Iwan...in Surabaya. (Look, I know just how expensive this is, but --- hey, I don't do this everyday, alright?:x Besides, I badly needed to talk to him. He's just like my second father.)
Why? The reason I called was because I remembered what he'd said the last time he visited Jakarta. (Oh, btw --- have I mentioned that he's also 'gifted'?) He'd said there might've been a possibility that the new draft of bills regarding "Antipornography" in this country wouldn't ever be legalized --- because those stupid, STUPID rules just would never work. And I'd had such high hopes that Saturday night. (From my previous entry titled "Cinderella's Borrowed Dream".)
But now, I feel like losing my faith and suffering a nervous breakdown all over again.
No, I cannot lose faith.:| I know that right now I'm scared like hell, but I'm not supposed to lose faith. I must stay strong and brave. I've read a lot of articles from the local scholars about why they shouldn't be pulling the new draft. Even our former president Gus Dur and family and most of his NU community disagree too. And Mom...good, sweet Mom...she never stops convincing me that there are still lots and lots of other, more educated people with more time who disagree and will do anything --- all they can --- to stop it from being legalized and happening. In other words, she obviously asked me to let others --- them --- do that. Right?
Right??
Oh, really??*sarcastic laughter*
Then why the hell am I so afraid right now?:'-( Why do I also feel so lost and alone these days?
And scared. And angry. And hurt.
I'm just like...no, I'm not exactly like my favourite heroine in "LOTR" Eowyn from Rohan.*looks down shamefully* I fear being caged like she does, but she's far much braver than I am. I don't have someone like Aragorn who --- doesn't have to love me like I do, but --- at least will convince me that: "This is not my your fate." Then maybe, I'll regain my inner strength and courage back again --- and then stand tall, on my own two feet.
Who am I kidding, right? I'm just The Big Mouth. For the sake of my family, I can't risk myself way too much. I might possibly risk them too.
And I am so sorry.:'-( I really am.
Does this make me sound like a pathetic coward too?
*sighs and shrugs* Oh, well.*rolls eyes* Whatever.
Okay, where was I?
A few things Uncle Iwan said today still leave me...stupefied. True.:| He sounded concerned and worried about me and this whole situation. Although he seemed to understand my fear, anger, and pain of seeing women in this country to be treated like shit --- as if they're just the main cause of all sins on earth, Uncle Iwan also seemed uncertain. He said it was actually okay, as long as the draft would be majorly...revised. (What? What??:x) He disagreed of its misogynicism contents, but he also convinced me that those petition forms wouldn't just be enough to make the government listen. (Oh, no.:'-( God, please... if You don't even want to help me and my kind in our own country anymore, where do we have to go from here? Where should we go? Is it true that all women are mundane devils?:x)
My Uncle Iwan also urged me to use my writing skills as another way of resistance against this...this tyranny (sp?) True, but will they all listen too? Or will they find any way to find me and then have me...assassinated?:( Will they find out about my whole family too?
Come to think of it, is this all really worth it??? I mean, whoever invented the stupid draft, they've been successfully screwing my country around. Fuck them.
Looks like I've got no choices left, right? Just wait what'll happen on June 10th. Then after that, well...we'll see...*sighs*
:'-(
The Scared Author
