2006-04-09 - 7:11 p.m.
What's love?
"What do you know about love? You're just a kid. You're much too naive. You're too gullible. You have no idea."
But I've stopped believing in fairy tales long ago. I've learned that most witches (or bitches :P) these days are somewhat as beautiful as the real princesses or fairies. There are no fairies in real life, I know that too. There's always a toad-like personality behind every 'so-called' prince charming. I have to be my own knight in shining armour, because I'm all alone. A heart of gold is a long, forgotten legend these days. There is no such thing as "happily ever-after", because...once you beat the witches, you'll still have to face the fire-breathing dragons and your worst demons tomorrow. It just goes on and on. You can stay in a palace one night and lose your crown and end up sleeping on the streets the next day. I mean, who knows?*shrugs* That's life. That's reality. I know that. I've been taught not to go way too weak over anything, but I guess I'm still learning. Maybe I'm being naive because I'm just refusing to give up my childlike side, because that's just what keeps me alive. That's just a big help in keeping my creativity (especially in my writings). Maybe I'm also afraid of growing old and boring people will get so sick of me and walk away. I still want to smile and be happy, eventhough reality bites way too hard these days. I may have inherited my father's short temperamental, prejudice, and paranoia --- but I refuse to share his pessimism. I just don't want to get trampled on again. I fight for what I believe in, eventhough I have to die for it.
"I know why you're attracted to Joza. You're so naive. You only believe you love him just because he's gorgeous."
No, that's not true.:( And that accusation still hurts, a faint memory ringing in my ears. I'd always been there for him when most people had treated him like an outsider or a freak, because I knew how it had felt like. Then I'd begun to have feelings for him, and it was completely out of my plan or will. Was it so wrong? Had it been my mistake? Perhaps, that's what triggers people's common opinion about me: I'm just using friendship to find love. But no, I can swear in the name of my God, it's really nothing like that. Although I do tend to have feelings for SOME guys I'm close with, that doesn't mean I fall in love EASILY with ALL my best buddies. But then, why do I need to defend myself, anyway? I don't mean to hurt anybody here. The only person I often hurt is myself. It's always been me and the wrong guys. Why am I not surprised? Maybe it's my pattern, but I won't ever let it be my permanent fate. Now I'm tired of proving my point. I'm even tired of trying to. Let them think what they want to believe about me. Let them all win. It's always like that. Let Dad believe I'm a total freak the whole world will never want to understand. Let that guy in college accuse me for being shallow just because Joza happens to be a handsome hunk and I simply fell for his kindness in a relatively short time. Let Dave make me believe I'm not that good in singing. Anything. Whatever.
Anyway, three months after I'd discovered my feelings for Joza and begun to fall for the person inside him, the other girls started to notice how good-looking he was. Then I had to let him walk away and be with the girl he'd fallen in love with. Three and a half years later, I just couldn't get over him that easy. My friends had told me to move on, but I couldn't. There were other potential guys around my college years I could've possibly dated, they'd said, but I just didn't want any of them. I wouldn't. I wanted Joza, but I just couldn't have him --- because he'd never belonged to me in the first place, eventhough I loved him. He loves her, not me. I must accept that fact and I do. That's just my harsh reality, my dear. And, you could probably say it was mostly my fault for wrecking my own friendship with Joza, because I just couldn't deal with seeing him with her. But then, the reason I'd never had the guts to come clean with him was just the same: my fear of wrecking my friendship. It ended up the same anyway. Look at how distant he and I are now.:(
"You're not really in love with Tiger. You're just...lonely."
Well, I could understand why most people would assume that way. I'd first met Tiger online two years ago, a few days after Grandma died and I'd failed my college application test. There also had been a chaos in my big family, and all my friends weren't around at all --- except Putri and Luki. But then, after about five months, this happened again. I'd actually been more of a skeptic about a long-distant possibility, but then...maybe my God wanted to teach my big mouth a lesson or two. Remember, never say never.:(
If it wasn't a real love (or if I'd somehow misinterpreted it), then please help me with this, TB. Why did it hurt me so damn bad when he'd told me over the phone on February 2005 his girlfriend had told him bluntly she'd let another guy in her school kiss her? Why did it make me cry when he sounded miserable? Why did it make me furious when I'd learned she'd made him cry more than once?:'-| I mean, I could've tried to break him and her apart when she'd begged me to keep a secret about her "other guy". I could've suggested Tiger to just get it over with her, risking our friendship --- knowing how naive, how innocent and sweet he still is. But I just didn't. I didn't want to be The Bitch, knowing I'd had feelings for him and he'd rejected me in the end --- but he and I still remain as best friends now. Then she'd told him anyway, and he'd simply forgiven her when she told him she was sooo over "the other guy" and wanted to be with him. And...did I have a choice?:( As much as I loved him like crazy then, I didn't want to let him down. Ever. I want him to be happy, and he often tells me she's his source of happiness. Do I have the heart to tell him I still have doubts about her?
And why did it take me a year to finally get over Tiger, when I could just easily find someone else here in Jakarta?(Uh, actually not THAT easy, since most guys in Jakarta prefer girls like my sister.*giggles* Okay, a bad joke again, sorry.:P) If you agree with people who think I'm just plain crazy and foolish, I can take your honesty --- don't worry.:) After all, true friends should be true to each other, right?
*deep sigh*Although I still have doubts about Tiger's girlfriend, I must shut up and just be a supportive best friend, right? If he just won't be with me, at least I can only pray for his happiness with her or whomever he chooses in the end. (FYI, I was dead serious the last time I'd warned her not to hurt him again.:|)
And you...why did you tell me you had feelings for me too? I never asked you to. Eventhough these 'so-called' feelings should go away, I'm already happy we're friends.:) Really.
Maybe you're right, I was a little misled about my real feelings for you. But the truth is, I still care about you and Tiger. Always will. You both are great guys and I've been blessed to ever get to know you two. I just don't want any of you to get hurt (although it's completely out of my hands.)
And I wish I had your guts when it comes to risking your heart out for love.:| In case you forgot, the reason I often fall for my own best friends is actually a part of my fear. Based on my experience, the only guys who'll accept and me for me and truly care about me are my best friends. Just like you, I'm also afraid of getting hurt --- but I'm more afraid of hurting other people too. So, sorry I have to bring this up again, but this is just my side of story.
yours truly,
Misguided, Gullible, Whatever :P
