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2006-04-08 - 7:36 p.m.

Is this how disorientation feels? Your mind simply wanders out of this earth like a wild animal loose after being caged for too damn long. You hear other voices inside your head besides random conversations around you. You feel as if you're swimming, almost drowning in a sea of faces --- but at the same time realises you're also feeling all alone. Strange but true. You're just completely lost in the crowd. You're only drifting back on earth when someone near you snaps their fingers and calls you, or even asks, "Hey, are you alright?"
Am I alright? Well, to me, that's just one hell of a question. The answer can always change. Remember, nothing stays forever in this mortal life.
The first moment I saw my brother and my uncle Big Memi this afternoon, I suddenly found myself...almost in tears.:'-| But no, I just couldn't do that in front of them. It would only confuse them, since I rarely cry in public.:( The last time my brother caught me crying was a week after Grandma had passed away, and it had shocked him a lot. Now, would I ever do that again? Sorry, I just don't have the heart. And, just for the record, that happened one and a half years ago --- caused by my grief, anger, and exhaustion altogether.:|
Then I went to work as usual. I was quiet all day. I couldn't look directly at Mom, because I knew she could tell something was wrong with me. Her eyes always see me through. I can never really be able to lie to her.:( Are all mother like that? I don't know. Maybe it's my expressive eyes. Maybe I'm just not a talented liar, because even my best friend Tiger can tell when I'm trying to hide something from him just by listening to my shaky voice.:|
Am I an overly blind optimist?
You know, when I was fourteen, people used to love comparing me with my prettier, more popular older sister. Once I couldn't take peer pressure anymore, and I'd nearly jumped off of a balcony from the third story of my old junior high school building --- but thankfully, a vice principle happened to pass by and stopped me. Some popular kids in my high school used to make fun of me, calling me a total freak. I ended up sitting all alone most of the time, scrawling on my pages of a diary and believing I might never have found a true friend who would've accepted me for me --- even with my quirks.:( Then the kids gradually softened up and began to accept this once ugly duckling. But, eventhough they'd picked me as The Senior Prom Queen, the damage had already been done (maybe it was mostly my fault, I don't know.) I couldn't get too close to any of them --- especially guys. Prejudice, paranoia, you name it. I've been (and still am) fighting over my insecurity for life, and it's never really been easy. It isn't. Of course, this is real life. I've got to be more optimistic and confident, or else I'll get easily used and trampled on in the end. That simple. Why complicate things way too much?:P Reality already bites too hard everyday.
Pessimism had cost me to lose Joza, my best friend and also someone I loved back then.:( Joza had simply stopped hanging out with me, because he'd had enough of hearing me complain a lot about my weight, my curly hair, etc. It's been one of my lifetime regrets, and I am not kidding you. Eventhough Joza's in my Friendster list now, I doubt things between him and I will ever be the same again. We've changed long ago. Go ahead. Try calling that blind optimism.:( Who am I trying to kid, anyway?
So, I'm still single now. They tell me: "Don't worry, you'll find someone soon." To be honest, that sounds pitiful. I also haven't gotten my dream job yet. They say: "Maybe it's just not meant to be yours yet." How encouraging.:(
I think what they're all saying is actually: "Maybe you're the one with the problem."
Am I? Am I? Do they really know me like they claim to?
If I'm a blind optimism, I don't have to listen to them and just...cringe. I don't even have to care. But what's wrong with a little optimism? I mean, I don't want to be like Dad.:( He quits easily and always fears of making mistakes. I'm not him. I refuse to be. Who's going to take care of Mom since he's rather unreliable? I'm not perfect, but I'm always trying my best. What is so wrong with that?
And what's wrong with trying my best to support the people I truly care about too, so they don't have to feel as down as I often still do and try my best to deny it?:( After all, it's just my suggestion. Take it or leave it, no problem with me.*shrugs* I know I can't save the whole world. I know I don't understand everything, so that's why I hardly say, "It's going to be okay."
What do I know about love? And how will I know it's love?
After all, who really does know love, anyway? People can come up with different interpretations, because it happens differently to every human being. My sister dated her high-school sweetheart for over three years, and he just ended up marrying someone else. She's tired of dating, but learning to accept this new guy into her life. Well, that's okay if she believes it'll work out for her happiness.*shrugs*
Of all the guys I've been best friends with, I've only seriously fallen for Joza (in college) and Tiger (after three and a half years later). Does that mean I'm always in love with all my best friends? I'm never in love with River, Luki, or even Tio. Pumpkin's totally out of the question, since he's...gay.:P Okay, bad joke. But, what I'm trying to say is: you can't always plan love. You just can't plan to love. I know damn well love takes hard work, but when it happens...it just happens. You can't easily avoid it, but I bet you know what to do about it. Will love always be yours or is it meant for you? I don't know. ou can put your best effort for it, but if it's not yours --- then you just can't have it.:( It's just not there and --- eventhough it hurts like hell --- I have to be able to let it go when I have to. I've had my share of pain. Besides, there are some beautiful things I truly love in this world that just don't belong to me. That's my reality I must face and accept.:( Hell, life's a bitch.
Tiger and his girl used to be best friends before...now. If they believe their LDR (long-distant relationship) will work out fine for them and they'll be together forever soon, then so be it. I'll be happy for both of them.:)
You know who you are.:( You're the reason I'm writing this entry. Okay, so maybe I get ticked off easily. Call me defensive and naive, temperamental and childlike --- I accept that because it's just the truth about me. Those are my ugly sides. But I'm clearly not a blind optimist and please, just don't tell me I know nothing about real love and I've misread the signs of love or something else like that. I know love when I feel it. I can even tell the difference between love and being in love.
I'm sorry, TB.:'-( Eventhough we don't always see eye to eye, I hope you still know that I truly love you for you. I'm not easily afraid of losing the one I love, but I always fear of losing my best friend. I hope you still want to talk to me after reading this.
You still don't know me, do you?

yours truly,

The Naive and Temperamental One

 

 

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